Why Tornado People F#$king Suck and This Has Nothing to Do With Actual Tornadoes

I'm not gonna do a long post because I don't want to waste any more energy but I'm sort of doing this because saying it will make me feel better and I really did have this light bulb sort of moment on the way home from this awesome walk I took with some friends and I was like, I gotta write this down. Because I want to remember this image for the next time I need a reminder not to bang my head against the wall, and also someone else might read this and be like oh, that's right, remember what Jen said that one time? I think I will NOT bang my head against a wall this time.

So some people are like tornadoes. Picture a tornado. It's awful and it's destructive and it wreaks havoc. Now trying to have a conversation with someone who is the living embodiment of a tornado. It would basically be like taking a two-by-four and flinging into a tornado. Either that sucker is going to fly away and land in Oz, or there is a good chance it is going to come right back at you and smack you in the face with all of the strength of a tornado.

Let's have some visual aids, shall we?

photo credit: wreg.com

See all that stuff flying around? Those are your words not getting anywhere near where you want them to be. You want them to be all meaningful and stuff and get all up into the brain of the person to whom you're speaking because you're like dang, this is some good important stuff I'm trying to lay on you right now. But they are this tornado. And their brains pretty much look like this on the inside. Like here is what your brain looks like:

photo credit: www.willamette.edu

Except of course your brain is not all colorful like that but it would be hella cool if it were. Anyway, your brain looks like that. And you're all like, being logical, and connecting the dots, and putting words together in a way you make sense, and then the words come out of your mouth, and the tornado person has this ridiculous reaction no matter how you say what you say, because again, their brain looks like this:

 photo credit: www.xarj.net

And when you get done talking to them, you feel like this:

So try not to let them get you to that point. Which is easier said than done. And fortunately, at least in my experience, there are very few people like this. Or, at least I've been ridiculously lucky and I only have one of these in my life with whom I have to deal on a regular basis. But they're out there, and this is my tornado warning for the next time you come upon them. Try not to get bent like like this damn tower. Because you're okay, and they are stuck in the middle of a tornado, which really sucks for them.

And I Say Hey, What's Goin' On?

I'm sayin' hey, what's goin' on, peeps, because it's been a while. So I'm checking on you and I need to write something down. I have nothing except random thoughts but you know that's how I am if you ever read this blog. So here they are.

First of all, I have always loved the 4 Non Blondes song, What's Up. Love it. I love to sing along loudly and poorly with this song. And if you don't know it here it is.

And I have had a girl crush on the band's lead singer, songwriter and producer Linda Perry, ever since I caught a bit of her on that CBS show with the ladies that is like The View and her fiancée Sara Gilbert is on it... The Talk. I knew if I wrote that sentence by the end of the sentence I would have pulled the name of the show out of my ass. So I told my co-worker friend yesterday and she goes, what, WHY? Because she found this picture...

photo credit: www.nydailynews.com

 



... and she says something like, "This picture makes it look like Sara Gilbert is doing some sort of charity to help people who are on heroin and this is one of the people she is helping." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I had to say all those hahahas just now because I am literally cracking up just thinking about it. So I go okay, maybe not that picture. How about this one?

photo credit: www.zimbio.com

I really don't remember what picture she found that made her think okay, she looks better than she initially thought, but she still doesn't get it. Okay, I'm not saying I do, either. For some reason she seems like she would be fun and could show a girl a good time. Ahem. That's all I'm saying. And then I saw this video and I was like okay, girl crush sandwich, with her and P!nk.

Oh my gosh. I love love love love LOVED this. Am I the only one who gets the Linda Perry thing? I mean, aside from Sara Gilbert? I'm cool with that if so.

In news related to What's Up, my kid found this on YouTube and finds it hilarious. The part where the guy is just stirring a pot kills me. We are easily entertained.

So the other day I went to my first CrossFit class. I f#$king hated it. It was awful. At one point I was running and I was like, hmmmm... I wonder if I might actually have a heart attack. Like right here in this parking lot and have to go to the hospital and my ex will have to pick up my kid from school today because I'm busy having a heart attack. How much would that suck? Here is the thing. I like to exercise. I love to sweat when I do. I like getting my ass handed to me and feeling like oh holy F#$K, I just hella DID SOMETHING SO GOOD JUST NOW. No doubt. But the whole boot campy sorta thing and the weights being like weightlifter style as opposed to just strength training... well, let's just say so far I'm not sold. But I bought 6 classes for the low low price of $29 so I will use the last $24.17 of my Groupon because as my friend Ang said, I should go ahead and make CrossFit my bitch. So I'll go at least one more time, and then I will be so appreciative of REGULAR exercise and work harder because I know I CAN. But seriously, some Zumba and my treadmill and dumbbells for my strength training. I'm all about it.

Oh, but today I can totally like, lift my arms and yesterday I almost couldn't, so there's that.

I guess I kinda sorta have a boyfriend now and that's weird and I'll keep you posted on that. I really haven't had a boyfriend since my ex-husband was my boyfriend and that's going back to like '97 until like '00 when we got engaged. So ummm yes weird. And I'll be learning how this works as I go because he was like well how often well I see you and I'm like I don't know because I've never been 43 years old with a kid and a boyfriend ever before in my life. It's cool to love someone and have them love you back. I know that much. The rest we'll figure out as we go.

If I never have to deal with an addict again in any capacity I will be okay with that and let's just leave it at that. Because addiction is a mothereffer, and again, let's just leave it at that.

Yahoo Mail is now doing this thing where they keep an advertisement at the top of your mail inbox like this.

A little annoying. But that's Yahoo Mail for you. Do you know what else is annoying? My packrat tendencies which border on complete and utter you-need-extra-medicine-for-this-problem territory which accounts for the fact that I have 11,262 unread emails in my inbox. Most of those are probably ads. So since I just outed myself on this I will be sure today to take some time to bring that number down because that's just weird. I never delete anything. If you see my house you would see I never throw stuff out. I have problems. Knowing is half the battle. I think I told you guys about this before and I'm still like that. But hey, you never know, one day I might write a post about how my house is all clean and organized and that I have a mail inbox like a regular person.

This show right here is one of the best I've ever seen.

photo credit: nikkistafford.blogspot.com

Seriously. It's on Netflix streaming. Go ahead and try it and see if you don't devour it like I did and then afterward watch other TV shows and be all like okay, that was good, but it wasn't Sherlock or anything. It's like that, yo.

I don't like hot flashes. I am just saying that they are not fun. I wonder what the next 10-15 years of my life are going to be like hormonally speaking. What a fun ride that might be.

I love my kid with all my heart. She is the greatest thing ever. Even better than sliced bread. I will say, however, that seven-and-a-half, this particular age, I am finding a little more challenging that say seven. Or six. (But nothing is as challenging as like that dark dark dark time of two-and-a-half through three-and-a-half, of course.) Like she is a pretty reasonable human being most of the time. But I find I have more times when I'm like hey, come on, get in the shower, and then have to ask like three more times before her a#$ is off the couch and coming my way. That sort of thing. And I was talking to a teacher friend of mine and she was like, it's 2nd grade. She was like second graders are not necessarily the most pleasant creatures. I'm paraphrasing and embellishing. But that made me feel better. But again, mostly she is delightful. But lately she has had me thinking, is it me? Am I just challenged patience-ararily right now, or WTF? So yes. We'll ride this out and hope it gets smoother and in the meantime I am thankful more than words can say that she is my kid because even when she is challenging it never lasts and at her most challenging I wouldn't trade her for ANYTHING.

So hey, what's goin' on with you guys? I hope a lot of hella good stuff.

I Was Trying to Write This One Post About Serious S#$t But It Was Too Hard So I'm Writing This Instead

Seriously, be nice to each other.

photo credit: www.bellabud.com

Be nice to as many people as is humanly possible.

photo credit: socialbap.com

I'm not saying if someone is a total douche you need to be nice to them, fuck that guy.

I'm just saying, look for some compassion. Dig down deep for some empathy. If it's not in there or you don't know what these things mean, look them up in a dictionary and then try them on for size and see how much better you feel.

Sharing things that are good and positive will make you feel that way. Sharing things that are negative and hateful will make you feel that way.

I have what will be a news flash for some people: History did not start the day you were born. Acting like current events only reflect life in the United States or the world as it is CURRENTLY is ludicrous. 

There are some super shitty people in the world. I choose to believe that there are more of us who are good and trying to be kind and generally mind our own business, just sometimes we're not as loud as the other ones.

Stop missing the point. For the love of all that is good and holy, please don't try to comment on how jacked up this news story about oranges is by sharing a news story about apples. Because fuck. Me. Seriously. If you can't reason and connect the dots and formulate an opinion based on what is being presented I don't want to fucking hear it. So that's me not being nice. But seriously. Try to get the point. That would be awesome.

Get a mirror. Look into it. See what you are putting out into the world. This is what you're going to get back. So if you don't like what you see, change something. Try to fix it.

photo credit: www.parisapartment.wordpress.com

I know the people who should see this won't. But I feel a little bit better for having said it.

I seriously hope that all of you have an awesome day and get to laugh and smile a bunch because that is the business right there.

It's Hard to Not Take Things Personally When People Are F$%king Jerks To You

It really is.

Because if someone is being a jerk to you, even if you know they're a jerk of the highest order, then you're still going to be like, "What am I doing that is making them a be a jerk? Why are they being a jerk to ME?"

Which, in all honesty, is a good question. You want to first make sure that YOU'RE not being a jerk. I mean, even if you're not a jerk, it's a totally good idea to check yourself and make sure you haven't made some sort of jerk move that is inciting beef jerkiness in the other person.

Once you've assessed your jerk level and find that your setting is zero, or even like, a negative number on the scale, then you're back to wondering why is this person jerking out all over ME?

Well. The answer is, sometimes people are jerks. Just like, to almost everyone. And even if they're not being a jerk to everyone, and they are hardcore jerked up when it comes to you, it STILL doesn't mean it's you.

Famous Jerk: Justin Bieber

photo credit: www.therichest.org

Whew. What a relief, right? Now you can just go on about your business with a big smile on your face and it's all good in the 'hood and birds are chirping and the sun is shining and all that business, right?

WRONG!

Well, that is how it should be. But getting there is a sonofabitch. Like, I'm sorry. I'm finding that part hard.

Before I go on, let me be clear about something. For the purposes of this post I'm talking about people with whom you are forced to deal; they work with you and you love your job or they're like in your family or some s$%t like that. Because if you know a jerk and you are NOT forced to deal with them, then you can just tell them to go f$%k themselves and call it a day. So I'm just talking about situations where the lovely phrase, "Go f$%k yourself" is not an option.

Karate Kid Jerk: Billy Zabka

photo credit: entertainment.blogs.

Once you figure out that this person is just a jerk and possibly going to always be that way, then there should be this process of letting go. Oh, and I forgot, let's rule out this idea that you can fix their jerkiness, or save them from a life of jerky pot pie. Let's say you've even tried to help them see the light and get on the path to leading a jerk-free life and that just didn't work. Hey, you tried. And it was probably stupid of you to try because especially when we're dealing with grown ass folks, they're probably already set personality-ararily. I mean, aside from a soap opera style deal where they fall off a bridge and survive but have amnesia and wake up with a totally different personality, probably nothing is going to change. So just like, let that dream go. They're not gonna change. So who has to change? YOU HAVE TO CHANGE.

And that's the hard part. You have to change how you react to these jerks in your life.

It's that Buddhist thing all over again, wasn't I just talking about that not long ago? That whole idea of suffering and how it is not the THING, it's how YOU react to the thing? Yes, it's THAT.

But it doesn't mean it's easy. That's what I'm saying. And that's why I'm writing this. Because telling you guys it should be like that will remind me that it should be like that and then what do you know, I just wrote myself into some more peace. WOO HOO!!!

So how you get to that spot of changing how you react, that's going to vary. I'm obviously no expert when it comes to that part. I do find that for me, writing helps. Writing down all the things that you can't say because it's futile is a great way to vent. Talking to your friends, the ones who are NOT jerks, about the Jerkface Jerry in your life, that helps. But not too much, because then we are giving that guy time in our lives, time better spent hugging and loving on people and frolicking and feeling peace and chilling and SMILING.

Back to the Future Jerk: Biff Tannen

photo credit: www.news.com.au

Because see, we have the ability to smile a whole bunch. While Jimmy Jerkface III probably is not smiling so much. And never will. And all the time we spend not smiling on account of that guy is a waste of smile time!!!

Because dude's a jerk. And jerks pretty much do not change their jerk stripes. And if you're a person who is hopeful about humans the way I am, that one is HARD. That is a bitter pill to swallow. But the good news is that once you get that and decide that you don't have to let these people affect you, then you'e cooking with gas.

Superman II Jerk: General Zod

photo credit: filmfanatic.org

Don't get me wrong. I'm not like Shifu from Kung Fu Panda and all master-level with my jerk force field impervious to dings and stuff. Like, no way. I'm still going to even CRY sometimes because I'm not only human, I'm a human girl and I'm all sensitive and stuff and don't forget I'm chock full of hormones like a mothereffer. But I'm going to try, because damn it, I LIKE TO SMILE!

I also don't think it makes you a bad person if you believe in karma. That whole we reap what we sow thing.

Yes, that. It's okay to think that. As long as you're smiling when you do.

Go frolic! And eff those jerks!

I Know It's Supposed to be Spring But I'm Liking Summer as a Time for Renewal, AKA Yet Another Post About Wanting to Make Changes I Guess

Kids, it's one of those days where I'm not really sure I have anything to write, and yet I'm compelled to write anyway. I already drank my two cups of coffee, so now is the time I'm supposed to get up and put on my shoes and get on the treadmill and watch some TV (which right now would be Scandal on HuluPlus which I need to hurry up and finish because I refuse to pay for anymore than one month of the HuluPlus I got just so I could finish season two of this show and be ready for season three this fall). So am I stalling? Well, that is sort of my M.O. But I'm also restless, on the inside. And I feel like I need to write some stuff down to feel less so. 

Restless and unsettled. With this one thing I have going on in my life. Remember last time I was all like, there are these two things that are like, weighing me down right now? Well, I still have the same two things and I'm working on one and with regard to the other one, I'm restless.

Unfinished, lacking closure. And it's one of those things where I have the power to close it down myself. And yet I resist. Which makes me crazy. As in, I'm crazy that I don't shut it down and walk away, and it makes me crazy that I feel I can't.

I was just talking to some friends about my most favorite Buddhist concept, and believe me, I don't know many of them, even though I have the Buddhism for Dummies book in my bathroom. I tend to just read the same little section over and over again.

Side note: I love Ingrid Michaelson, like so much. I'm listening to her on Spotify right now and I. Just. Love. Her. Everybody is one of my favorite albums ever. Also August and Everything After by Counting Crows. I recently came across the TAPE and have that in my car. I have the CD, but it might be in the CD holder thingy I have wedged in a corner and can't even access because my love seat is in the way.

And can I take this moment to mention that my house is out of control. I mean, so far out of control. I was just talking about mental fortitude this morning, and the lack thereof when it came to someone I know. Do you want to know who lacks mental fortitude? I do, when it comes to keeping this house organized and tidy and clutter-free. Audible sigh. This morning before I even sat down with my coffee I started sorting some stuff on my table and I was like hey, here's an idea. Like, tackle one little thing. Then go back to doing what I do best, chilling. I'm so good at chilling. Then do another little part. And then more chilling. Instead of doing NOTHING, and like, chilling the whole time. What a concept.

Oh, so that's kind of where I'm supposed to be going with this post. Except that as usual, my coffee was REALLY strong, so I feel like I have a super power right now and that super power is being able to type REALLY REALLY fast and also my brain is chugging along at that speed and all over the place. Were you to look inside my brain it looks like this:

If there were guys in my brain trying to keep the wires straight they would have to be paid a lot.

photo credit: www.technologytell.com

So really. Summer is here and for me that means my kid is out of school which means that on my days off (which fall on the weekdays) I could actually stay in my pajamas all day. If I wanted to, I could do that. Which is kind of lovely. Not that I do, but that I could. That I don't have to jump out of bed and get her ready for school and take her to school and pick her up and that I get to hang with her (when she is interested in hanging with me) and we get to be leisurely and we have beach trips in our future and who knows what else. So this to me seems like a time to try to that thing I was going to do before with us having more dinners together and her branching out and trying more foods like VEGETABLES and junk like that, for one thing.

And my house. Maybe this summer is when I will, little by little, get it organized.

And maybe this summer is when I get my heart in line with my head. My head knows what's up. I'm not brilliant or anything, but I'm not an idiot. But my heart is like, challenged. My heart, were it going to school, would not be in the college prep classes, let's just say. In many ways, I think due to my lack of experience when it comes to boys, the age of my heart is like 13. I want to pass a note to some guy in English class and then do that MASH game and see if I wind up with him and if we're gonna live in a mansion or a house and how many kids are we gonna have (though I'm totally kidding about that because this womb was closed for business like 7 years ago). Really, I'm in junior high when it comes to love and I'm not all smart and wise like my 43 years on this earth has made me when it comes to some other stuff.

But. I think I will get to that point. I will get to that wise space because I see glimmers of it. It's like a war between my 43 year old head and my 13 year old heart at times. Which is about as fun as it sounds.

And back to that Buddhist thing I left way back several paragraphs before. The deal is, here is THE THING. The thing that sorta sucks. And here is the way you RESPOND to THE THING. You can suffer, or you cannot suffer. That's your choice. And I was talking to these friends about hey, this is my choice. And there is something so empowering about knowing that I totally have a choice about how I want to respond to this situation or any situation. I know this, in my 43 year old head I hella know this. It doesn't mean it's easy, but I totally know that this is true.

So what was this post supposed to be about anyway? Oh yes, renewal. I'm digging the idea. In summer or whenever. Starting over. Starting again. Just because things are the way they are right now, it doesn't mean they are going to stay that way. I'm loving that idea.

The Post Where You Catch Me With All My Hormones Hanging Out, AKA I'll Blog Because I Don't Want To Do Any Housework Right Now

I'm an effed up bundle of hormonal messiness right now, folks. So what should I do? I should write it down and share it and then you guys can be all like praise the sweet eight pound six ounce baby Jesus of hormones, that girl is even more screwed up than I am.

I just turned forty-three. I think I look the same, but someone cranked the dial on my perimenopause. Like, if I'm an oven, I was set at 350, then my birthday hit and my body decided nah, let's crank that bitch up to 400.

Fuh realz.

Have you guys had a good cry yet today? I've sorta done some crying.

So here is this theme I've got going. There are a couple of people in my life who sort of exasperate me. Drain me, it feels, of all my superpowers. And on something of a continual basis for a period of time. I can't really be more specific than that, not that they will read this, but just, well, let's leave it at that.

So for this one person, well, the thing is that I know I need to let them go. Because you know how there is that Alcoholic's Anonymous credo (okay, duh, it's called the Serenity Prayer, I had to Google that s#$t):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference

Well, I get this. Except with this one person it seems to go like this:

I already know I can't change you or your choices,
So I would like you to take my heart out of my chest,
Then step on it,
Then step on it once more,
Then throw it in the garbage,
Then I'll get it out and put it back in,
Then we'll repeat the steps above,
And then, maybe then, I will get I cannot change this situation

Which, you gotta admit, is a pretty effed way to roll, right? Right. On the bright side, I think I get it now. Maybe. I'm like 99.9999999% sure I've fished the broken pieces of my heart out of the dumpster enough times to get that I'd rather keep it in my chest and not let this person have their way with it anymore.

So there's that.

And then there's this other person. Sigh. And there are just some people with whom you have to figure out how to exist. Peacefully and sanely. And it is taking way more energy than I wish I had to put out, but it might be getting better. And it might be so that I don't toss and turn at night worrying about this person and their place in my family's life. Which is good. I look for that glimmer of hope, that ray of light, and I hold onto it tight and work with it. And I give more of myself than this person could ever deserve. Because I'm kinda like well, sometimes, you gotta sorta help someone save themselves. I mean, you can't save them. But you have to put aside hurt feelings, and old wrongs, and be like okay, let's do this.

And it's exhausting.

Especially when your hormones are ALL effed up like mine are. 

So this is when I wish I had a crystal ball. So I can see how all of this stuff is gonna turn out. But you know, I don't. And no one does, damn it all to heck.

All I know is that I have (rerun coming, this is a total rerun) the best kid, family, and friends ever. And if I'm starting there, well then, I'm pretty much cooking with a bunch of effing gas, right? Right.

If you're at a crossroads and wondering which way to go and struggling with that decision or wondering if you should hold on or let go or weeding your life of people who could be replaced with people who look more like beautiful flowers than those effing weeds that get stuck in your socks or that your cat rolls around in and then you have to pick all those mothereffers off of him, just know you're not alone. I'm right there with you. And we have each other, so there's that.

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!

My new mantra, only known by two of my co-workers and now you guys, is (please imagine a drumroll):

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!!!

If you're feeling crazy you can add "mothereffers" or "beyotches" to the end.

I am not actually Chuck Norris and you guys know I'm not a Chuck Norris fan. I like the idea of Chuck Norris as a character who is a total badass with a beard that could kick your ass.

 



photo credit: cheezburger.com

 

So this is what I'm using as an empowering mantra. Because let me tell you guys. I have felt as of late that the world is bending me over and giving me a good f#$king spanking. Sorta. Kinda. So my respons to the world is:

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!!!

I know all the words to the Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, I think I have told you guys that before. Pretty sure I have only seen the show once. It was pretty awful.

I love that Chuck Norris book, The Truth About Chuck Norris:400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human. It's in my bathroom.

I am mostly soft like a marshmallow. And squishy. And full of emotions. And I cry at the drop of a hat. And, well, this is me. But I am finding it necessary to stay in Chuck mode right now because I fear if I don't, I will be in curled up in the fetal position mode. And while I believe wholeheartedly in the idea that we must feel what we feel, we must grieve when we need to grieve, we must accept and process our feelings, I also believe in faking it until you are making it as a coping skill.

I'm coping. And I still cry. And also, I'M CHUCK NORRIS!

Please, please, please use my mantra if you need it. Spread it around. Let's just Chuck it up out there.