Attitude AND Gratitude

Guys, this has been such a weird time for me. If you read my last post, you know my dad passed away on October 6th. So that was awful. And since then, in addition to having these times that I'm incredibly sad (nighttime is the worst) I find that I have NO PATIENCE. Like, none. As in, stuff that would normally just minimally chap my hide is making me feel like a crazy ass nutbag and like I want to punch someone in the face or kick them in the 'nads. Not anyone specific (usually), just in general.

So yeah, that's not really a good thing. To that end, I'm about to get set up for some couch time so I can talk about that. And talk about other stuff that makes me nutty, as well. Like stuffing my face all the dang time even though I know it's not a good idea. I might also talk about men. They're challenging, as some of you know. I'm sure there are other things I can think of to talk about for eight free sessions (hooray for an employee assistance program, yo). I mean, if you know me, you know I'm pretty much never at a loss for words. That's pretty rare, much to the chagrin of some at sometimes (and you know, sometimes it makes me fun at a party).

Obviously, this is the ATTITUDE part of the my post. I should say, I'm not like this all the time. But I'm like this enough of the time that I realize that I either need a bunch more medicine or it's time to take a big swim in lake ME (stolen from this bit I saw Dana Gould [the part to which I refer starts at about 5:30] do one time). I want to get back to laughing stuff off more, and wishing I had lasers on my car to shoot at stupid drivers less.

Now that that's out of the way, how about some gratitude? You guys probably know about the Attitude of Gratitude Project, wherein for each of November's 30 days you mention something for which you're thankful. I already did a post about this on another blog last week, but I figured I should do something here on my real blog because really, can you talk too much about being grateful? I think not.

In order to stress how much there is for which to be grateful, even though I've already posted twenty things in other places, today I'm going to try to come with 21 MORE and DIFFERENT things. And yes, some are gonna be little things and I will hit the important stuff I already covered in one blurb because come on, a blog about being grateful without mentioning my kid, family, and friends? Ummm, no.

So this list is not necessarily in order, but here are 21 things for which I'm hella grateful:

1. My kid, my family (especially my mom), and my friends (especially the besties). Seriously. Pretty much all the rest means nothing without them. 

2. Regina Spektor's song "Firewood." I like it down to my soul.

3. Spell-check. Because sometimes words like "necessarily" make people with bachelor's degrees in English scratch their head.

4. Swiffer products. The sweeper vacuum thingy and the the WetJet... way better than a broom and a mop. I still use my broom, but seriously, when you live in a house with a cat who leaves tufts of hair all around like tiny little presents you are pretty grateful for the Swiffer vacuum sweeper thingy. Okay, I looked it up, Sweepervac, that's the one.

5. Fitocracy.com. Love this site onto which my BMSF turned me on because it makes me lift weights which is a great thing. You earn points for stuff you do and strength training earns a lot of points. 

6. Words With Friends on Facebook. Word games are fun. I say the same thing about Scrabble but the people who make it succumbed to that "it wasn't broken so let's fix it and make it sort of suck" disease that Facebook also tends to catch sometimes.

7. Facebook. For real. People easily blow it off but it's a fanflippingtastic way to connect with people.

8. Netflix streaming. For someone addicted to television and who loves movies it's a wonderful thing.

9. Stop-motion Christmas movies like we (meaning people who are old like I am) watched when we were kids, specifically Santa Claus is Coming to Town and The Year Without a Santa Claus, featuring the Heat Miser and his brother the Snow Miser. I can't wait to bust those out this year.

Snow Miser and Heat Miser

10. Texting. I love to text.

11. Cooking shows and cooking competition shows. Top Chef, Next Iron Chef, Sandwich King, just to name a few.

12. Trader Joe's and Target. My shopping places. They make it so that I rarely have to go to the grocery store. Granted, I am missing out on eating a lot of different stuff but I guess I'm sort of boring that way.

13. Antacid. The kind that last for many hours which is probably bad for me for so many reasons but I'm sorry, I'm still really glad it exists.

14. Books! And I love so much that my kid loves to read and loves to have me read to her. We're reading Tangled right now, a novelization of the movie (which we love), and it not only follows along with the movie but it's actually really well-written, and I love it when she says, "One more chapter, PLEASE?" Good times.

15. Cheese. I eat too much of it, but it's so good and there are so many kinds of cheese, wonderful cheese.

16. Email hoarding. Okay, in general this is really bad. But it also allows me to go back and find things that made me laugh or smile or to remind me of when certain things happened since my memory SUCKS. Yes, I seriously have 9,416 unread emails in my box right now which no doubt, is ridiculous. I will work on that.

17. My car. I really love it very very very much. It's my most favorite car ever and if it ever doesn't work anymore I hope I get the latest edition of the same car.

18. Christmas music. I am started listening to it last week because I'm a freak like that.

Straight No Chaser's Holiday Spirits album is what I'm playing in the car presently

19. Yelp. I look on there for reviews of all kinds of stuff, especially restaurants because I heart food.

20. England. Because I love people with English accents, especially when they are in TV shows and movies. And then there's Pride and Prejudice, my favorite book. 

21. Blogger. I'm thankful I have a place to write what I'm thinking about and share it with you guys. 

Newest Member of the Club No One Wants to Join

Sadly, a bunch of you are members of this club, it's the I Lost a Parent Club. And it's a really shitty club that most of us know we will join one day, sooner or later, if life takes its natural course. It's still shitty. The people in the club? Oh, they're fabulous. And they get it. Because no matter how empathetic or kind or loving you are, you don't get it until you join.

So I'm a member of this club and that's part of the reason I haven't written in a while (well, that plus my normal laziness, the lazy part has not changed with my club membership), because I figured the first time I went to write I'd need to write about Dad and I kind of don't like to talk about it.

I stalled on reviewing the obituary draft Mom worked up, I still have unread sympathy cards on my table (they're opened because Mom was at my house watching my kid and sometimes she gets in this mood to sort out my mail because I will literally let it pile up for weeks [see the lazy part above, plus I pay all my bills online], so she opened them and told me how lovely they were). But I still haven't read them. Because that sort of shit reminds me that it is real. My dad is really gone.

Dad, holding Kayla the day she was born

On the one hand, I remind myself to be thankful that the suck-ass part of his disease was relatively short compared to the way many have suffered with cancer. He was on this planet for nearly 70 years, while every time I turn around I hear stories of fathers taken from families when their kids were little. My dad at least got to see that his kids grew up pretty okay (yes, the jury IS still out on me). I got to see him blossom when he became a grandfather, Kayla's and then Morgan's Pop Pop, and we got to see parts of him that we hadn't seen before.

We got the chance to have beautiful conversations with him in the last six months, opportunities that so many people don't have when they suddenly become members of this club, and for that I am eternally grateful. There is peace in me because I felt like there was not a single word left unsaid.

Let me take this opportunity to remind you all, again, to tell people that you love them. A lot. As in, all the fucking time.



The other good points were the people I think of as guest stars on The Shit Show. Laura, the one who took me and Mom to look for care homes so we could pick the place Dad spent his last night (though at the time we didn't know it would be his last night because the end all happened so fast, except for that last day which was the longest and worst day of my life), is a beautiful special lady who will never be forgotten. She, too, was a club member so obviously she gets it and then she was just amazing. The lovely ladies at the care home, the one who stood behind me (okay, I wasn't going to cry when I did this, dang it all to heck) and held my shoulders while I held Dad's hand and just sobbed. The last nurse we had, who was with us and Dad until the end... Elmar. We'll never forget that guy. Yes, this is the best you can hope for, kind, caring guest stars on one of the worst shows ever. And of course, all the people who supported us throughout this whole thing. My friends who had to hear about it as often as I could manage to talk about it and who lifted my spirits and kept me sane... of course I'll never forget those guys because they're stuck with me.

And the very best thing to have is a family you love and like very much. Without them I'm sunk.

I think about him every day, several times each day. Like I told Kayla, even when people pass away, if we love them we keep them and our memories of them in our heart. And that's exactly what I'm doing. That, and laughing and living a lot, because you need to do a little extra to live for the one who is not here anymore, at least that's what I think. And every once in a while I cry. And every once in a while I get hit with this incredible ball of loneliness, which is the only way I can explain it, and it really sucks. I mean, I just keep saying, "This really sucks." There's no way around it. And to pull myself out of it I look at something lovely and amazing, like stars or the sun setting behind a hill, or leaves on trees rustling, birds flying, good nature stuff like that. And of course looking into the eyes of my lovely and amazing daughter and hugging on her is pretty helpful. Beautiful distractions, joyful distractions, finding these would be the best advice I can give to club members.

Lessons From the S#$t Show™*

*I stole borrowed the term "Shit Show" from my pal Stephy Poo. I know she will forgive me and I even threw her a bone by adding the ™ in the title.

Learn some stuff from this shit show my family and I are going through. Here I define shit show as knowing that someone you love is very, very sick and there is nothing you can do for them. Except to be there and try to make them comfortable if you can but mostly just be there and hold their hand and tell them that you love them. So here is the stuff I'm hoping to pass on to you because it makes me feel a little better to write it down.

 There is no such thing as saying "I love you" too much to people you love. Try to live your life so you have few regrets. And then if you do have a few, try to concentrate on the good stuff. Remember that part about telling people you love them. Hug a bunch. Hugging is great even if you don't have a rack like I do. Try to find stuff that is beautiful. Like, look up at the stars. Those are hecka beautiful. And they remind you of how small we are, which is trippy and amazing. Try to find stuff to laugh about. This part can be hard so have as many funny ass people in your life as possible. And you know, crying is okay and it's gotta be done when shit is just hella, hella, hella sad. And you're not weak, you're human, if you just have to cry. But remember all that other stuff because it's super important.

The Good, The Bad, and The Other Stuff

I was going to be all committed to posting three times each week, because I figured I have three days off and at some point during each of those days I should be able to pull something out of my a$% to put on paper, figuratively speaking. 

Hey, for those of you who write, remember when stuff like this would have been done at a typewriter? The first screenplays I ever wrote when I was a teenager were on a Brother word processor... at last I think that's what it was... Like, it was a typewriter, but fancy, because I think there was a little screen that showed what you were typing and I think you could save your work? Sheesh, I'm so senile. And I remember my white typewriter, and I would haul it with me if Mom and I went on a road trip, and I was like 20-something, sitting in a hotel room, smoking and typing, while Mom was a slot machine, smoking and dropping in nickels (remember, this was the OLDEN days). And there was that one word processor I had where I could save stuff on discs... I mean sheesh, I don't think I even had a computer until 1998 or so, and it was a hand-me-down from my bestie, Spook. Wow. Now it's so much easier to write now, technologically-speaking, and I am amazed when I think of all the writing I got done in the olden days, when I had to insert paper and back space with the white-out corrector to fix errors and holy heck. Just wow.

I have a sick baby at home with cabin fever. I love her to bits but she is driving me a little bit nuts. One of the reasons the words aren't flowing this week.

Also, it's been a heckuva a week. Starting Monday. The kind of week where certain parts of my life are turned upside down.

Here is what I have learned, and some of this stuff I already knew, of course:

I have the best friends and family in the world.
I'm sort of strong, like emotionally.
Life is not fair.
Banging your head against the wall hurts and is completely not at all useful.

And most importantly, my number one priority in life for the past six and half years is my daughter. And she will ALWAYS be my number on priority, period. Nothing is more important to me than her happiness and well-being.

So when you have a ball-busting few days, the good part is that you do see how much people love and care about you, you do see what you're capable of, and you force yourself to look at all the things that are in your life that are good and wonderful.

My coffee was too strong. Typing is a little hard because my fingers are sorta shaky. Not. Good.

Anyway, I have a lot of stuff in my life that brings me joy. I laugh. A lot. 

Curling up in a ball and crying about the s$%t that just ain't right is pretty ineffective. Though once in a while, you just need to curl up in a ball and cry about the s$%t that just ain't right. Then dry your tears and hug someone up who loves hugging on you, and then think about the joyful stuff.

So today is about making plans and being constructive. Like I'm gonna clean my house because it's a MESS. 

I'm also going to exercise. I've been with a head cold or sinus stuff, I swear, off and on for like 5 weeks. Not kidding. And it's taken the wind out of my sails a bit and made it easy for me to be lazy. Well, I need some endorphins. I need to feel STRONG, physically. I did 30 minutes of Wii yoga the other night and it was ridiculously therapeutic. And like, at the beginning I couldn't touch my toes and at the end I could, so there you go. Stretching my body out and breathing is soooooooooooooooo good for me.  I have to do it more often.

What's the point of this post? I have no clue. To let you guys know if you are having a f$%ked up week you're not alone, that could be one point. Also because writing stuff down sometimes helps my brain. Maybe someone will read this and exercise today, or do some yoga. That would be awesome. Mainly, if you are reading this, I encourage you to find some joy. Feel joyful, be joyful, spread it around. Cry if you need to, and then get all joyful if you can. 

If you need hugs, please take these cyberhugs I'm sending now. Feel that? That's for you! I hope it helped! Talking to you guys always helps me out, so thanks!

The Contents of My Head: Friday Edition

I apologize in advance because I'm just not feeling a post that I could consider an organized bunch of thoughts. So I'm just going to write about the stuff that is going on right now.

• I have entirely too many dishes to do. I do not have a dishwasher, and in my whole life outside of my parents' house (1994 to present) there were only like 4 years when I did have a dishwasher, when I owned a house in Fairfield. So no big thing, but also my faucet has been sorta broken for months now, meaning when I turn it on it makes a HORRIBLE noise and the water pressure is all jacked up so you can see how this, on top of my normal laziness, would make it that there are dishes piled up. Those things and the fact that I actually cooked some stuff so yes. A lot of dishes. And I don't want to do them but I know that's first on the list after this post.
• I missed the Endeavour flyover. Well, first of all, I'm oblivious and didn't even realize that was happening today until I saw a friend (Mamasattva) Tweet about it. And then who knows if I would have seen it from my little neck of the woods, though I did see this really big jet stream from my backyard so maybe that was it, who knows. The good thing is that I was reminded that my backyard is super duper peaceful. Chirping birds and it's all nature-y out there. Serenity NOW!
• Yesterday was a bad day to forget to take my meds. Well, any day is, but yesterday especially so.
• Today was picture day at the kid's school. First of all, my kid is beautiful. Which is great. Second of all, she tends to do this thing when she smiles where she is thinking too much. Or something. It's hard to explain but I'm all like, look, just SMILE. Like, have your eyes smile, too. She's like, like this? And I'm like well, think of something really funny. Like Paper Jam Dipper (from Gravity Falls, which is a hilarious show) or something. Still, the smile is too forced or it's not going with her eyes. I just want her to look in her pictures like she is the happy kid she is and not like she is full of all this inner turmoil but trying to smile for the camera. Because she really isn't. So hopefully I didn't do a major head job on her and when they tell her to smile she's gonna be all like, what did Mommy tell me to do? Smile with my eyes? Paper Jam Dipper? And have like a wackadoodle meltdown. Because that would suck. And then I put this cute yellow jacket on her, it's super adorable but it's basically like a casual zip-up hooded sweatshirt sort of deal, but she totally looked like SUNSHINE, with this coat and the light blue dress with white polka dots and a daisy on it with a bright yellow center. So she's like I want to wear the jacket in the picture. I'm like you should take it off. She gets all pouty. I'm like holy. Heck. In my mind, I'm thinking is there NOTHING I can say or do this morning that will actually be RIGHT??? I'm like wear the jacket if you want, but keep it open so we can see the dress. Then as I'm walking away I'm all discombobulated and it occurs to me that I didn't check her eyebrows and smooth them out. So who knows what her eyebrows will look like in the picture. Sigh. She's cute. I'm sure it will be fine.
• I am madly and passionately in love with my daughter. She is hands down the very best thing that has ever happened to me and she brings me a ridiculous amount of joy. But sometimes her wackadoodle parts are like mine with the volume turned up, mixed with being bolder and more opinionated than I EVER was at the age of six-almost-seven, so I sometimes feel like I'm being slapped in my face with ME. Another sigh. I wouldn't change a thing. But yes, this is the part where my mom is laughing. Because I did get a kid very much like myself. But way, way better.
• I really do love my kid more than life itself. And usually life with her is very easy.
• Do you know what is NOT easy? Anything that has to do with me and boys, it seems (insert your favorite joke about being "easy" here).
• According to Facebook, I really am the only person in the Bay Area who missed the Endeavour flyover. Sheesh.
• I read a blog post today that made me cry. It was so good. Klonnie, you're hecka awesome, and a huge part of why I've managed to blog three days in a row.
• Crap. My head is empty and so is my coffee cup so I guess I need to do those f#$king dishes now.

You're Doing It Wrong!

So the other day my BMSF (Beer Mayonnaise Sister Friend), Jean (who I'm supposed to be calling Jeannie, but I'll work on that), posted this picture on Facebook which she captioned "Hey asshole on the scooter - you're doing it wrong."

Asshole parking his (why it gotta be a guy, the men are asking) scooter wrong

Jean rides a scooter, so she knows what's she is talking about. Meanwhile, I would have no clue that this guy was doing it wrong.

So I was like, "you're doing it wrong," I love that and it's from a movie and I've said it a million times and I totally blanked on the movie from whence it came. Thank goodness for the Internet, that place where you can find like, EVERYTHING. Well, almost everything. It's a quote from Mr. Mom, a classic from 1983, that I am pretty sure I watched eight million times back in the day when it was on cable. If you have never seen this movie I will ask you, why, what is wrong with you? And then tell you to watch it because it is great. It also has one of my other favorite movie lines, "You fed the baby CHILI?! You crazy? You don't feed a baby CHILI!!" You'd be surprised how often you can use that, even if there is no chili involved. But today we are focused on that great line, "you're doing it wrong." For your viewing pleasure, here is a clip:

"You're doing it wrong."

The conversation with Jack and his kid and Annette the crossing guard lady, it's like my daily conversation with the parts of me that actually want to lose weight and be all healthy. I feel sorry for them having to talk to me, as I am constantly doing it wrong. Because I do know how to do it. I just do it wrong. A lot. I will riff on the dialogue and show you how this goes:

"You're Doing It Wrong," a short skit that takes place inside the confusing jumble of overgrown weeds known as "Jen's Brain," featuring three characters, Jen, Healthier Jen, Thinner Jen, and Fed-Up Jen, who we will call J, HJ, TJ, F-UJ, since the author is lazy. (Tee hee, I said "F-U.")

TJ: Jen, you ate that whole burrito that was as big as your head.

J: Ate what, I don't know what you're talking about.

TJ: But this isn't the way fit and trim folks roll.

J: I'm doing it the Jen Moore-Skallerud method.

(J feels the bloated awfulness that always comes after a ridiculous amount of over-indulging.)

J: What is this god-awful feeling? Ugh, my gut. This is nuts. Why do I feel like CRAP????

TJ: Because YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

J: Don't tell me I'm doing it wrong, I know how to do this.

(HJ walks into J's brain.)

HJ: Hi Jen, I'm Healthy Jen.

J: Hi.

HJ: You're doing it wrong.

TJ: SEE?

HJ: This is what I tell all the people who are trying to be less fat and more healthy. We eat less, and we exercise more. And then we repeat. That way we don't feel like such crap and we get to wear cuter clothes and maybe even stick around longer to drive our kids crazy.

(J nods, taking it in.)

HJ: Okay, move it out, and remember, eat less, exercise more!

J: Eat less, exercise more, okay, that's a good system.

F-UJ: PUT DOWN THE FORK, MORON!!

Yes, it really is a good system! And when I do it, it really works. But I just keep doing it wrong for reasons that seem right at the time. No, not really. Not even at the time I'm eating a burrito the size of my head. But at the time, I'm like Jack Butler, and I'm like screw it, we'll do it my way. And I think the Jen Moore-Skallerud Method has been like the Control Data Institute commercial from back in the day, when the dude is saying he will start trying to find a career... tomorrow... tomorrow... tomorrow... and it like echoes? I think that is what goes on with me. Probably that guy was thinking, "Today I'm gonna watch daytime TV and get stoned, TOMORROW I'm gonna apply at Control Data Institute and get started on my path to a CAREER!" And I'm thinking today I'll eat EVERYTHING, and then tomorrow, not so much.

And those of you who know me or have read the many posts I've done about the same thing know that I have "issues," like being a compulsive over-eater and an emotional eater and junk like that, and yes, I've got some super sad stuff going on, stuff that makes me all, "if this is my last day on Earth I wanna live it up, yo!" Which.... is good way to be, but not if NOT taking off some of this weight makes me sad on top of that sadness, right?

So... how is today going to go? Maybe better than yesterday since I wrote this. Here's to doing it less wrong today.

My Cat Makes Me Wanna Break S$%t

Really, he does.

Right now he is doing his current crazy thing, which is to sit on the bathroom counter. Why? I have no idea. I am in the office and I can hear that something just fell off the counter and since I don't have ghosts (well, I kinda have had one or may still have one [which is a whole other story] but never one that sat on the bathroom counter and pushed stuff off) and I'm the only one in the house, it's gotta be Chief. But let me go verify this... 

Yep, he was sitting on the counter. But he saw me walk to the kitchen (I needed more coffee), so he hopped down and followed me. Why? I have no idea. I fed him an hour ago. There was no need to follow me, but this is what he does.

When I'm getting ready to take Kayla to school in the morning, he likes to walk RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, either nearly tripping me or causing me to step on him. When I step on him he gets very perturbed and I not-so-gently or quietly explain to him that had he not been walking RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, perhaps I would not have stepped on him. Usually, this explanation, in addition to being somewhat loud, contains several bad words, none of which I will write here, but I'm sure you can imagine.

He has a penchant for wanting to be let out. And then back in. And then out again. Or, if you let him in the back door, thirty seconds later when someone comes through the front door, he dashes out as if you've been holding him hostage for months.

My cat is one crazy a#$ motherf$%ker.

Chief wearing Kayla's nightgown

I don't think he has always been this nuts, but he's old, as my mom always reminds me. She told me today that getting mad at him is like elder abuse. I'm not sure exactly how old he is and I only know he showed up at our door on Corte Arango in El Sob #1 in 1998 or 1999. Like a long time ago.

Also, he has no teeth.

Chief back when he had one tooth

He had one tooth for a really long time. Like, years. But just last week I came home from work and my ex-husband goes, "Hey, Chief lost his tooth." The tooth is MIA. It would have been nice to find it and, as Mom said, put it under a pillow for the Kitty Tooth Fairy, or at least bury it and have a little ceremony, but I am thinking it will not turn up. It probably fell out when he was rolling around in some weeds, one of his favorite things to do, so that he can come home with little burs and weeds stuck to him which fall off in the just the right place for me to step on them.

Anyway, I am thinking that if I had no teeth I'd be kinda crazy and grouchy all the time, so I do try to cut him some slack. I love him very much, he is my Chiefypoo and my kid is absolutely nuts about him. However, he really does make me want to break s$%t.