Sunday, October 6, 2013

The One About How I Miss My Dad and the Good Things Left Behind

I can't believe it's been a year since we lost my dad to cancer. It seems like only yesterday that my brother called me at work and said I needed to come to care home where my dad was NOW, not after work as I'd planned. And I went and I held Dad's hand and Mom's hand and I hugged my brother and I told my dad how much I loved him and at least once early in the day he was able to tell me he loved me, too, and though it wasn't clear I know that's what he said.

That was for me. I'm not assuming you guys are crying or anything and if you are I'm sorry and I'll turn it around with some good stuff, at least I hope so.

So, last night I was on the way home from the hospital because my mom's in the hospital because either the universe has a HILARIOUS sense of humor or a really SUPER FUCKED UP sense of humor or you know, life is just nuts and shit like that, and the story of her being in the hospital is another story for another blog and not for today. But anyway. I was on the way home and I decided to have a conversation with my dad.

Yes, like, me in my car, in the dark, talking out loud to my dad who died a year ago. Because here is the thing, and this is what I told him in this conversation, I don't know how all of this works. So I figure what the heck, I told him I loved him and I missed him and if he has any pull with ANYONE who has any control over ANYTHING though I tend to believe all of life is just luck, good or rotten or in-between, but again, what if I'm wrong about that, so I'm like obviously go ahead and pull some strings about Mom so everything goes all smoothly with her and all that. That would be great.

And then I cried like a big fat crybaby bitch all the way to my brother's house to pick up my daughter.

What I have found, when you have a kid, and you are trying to hold it together for the most part around her, because hey, she's a kid, and she should get to be a kid as much as she can and not be worried or worried about her mommy etc. So I have found that the car is for crying. The car is also good for screaming if you need to do that. Roll up the windows first, but then scream your fucking head off if you need to, and in this past year, I have found times that I need to scream my fucking head off.

So I'm thinking I got that sobfest out of the way. So I am planning today when Dad crosses my mind (which will be a lot) to think about what he leaves behind, and not in the sad way, but in the good way.

one of my faves
my baby, my stupid cat, and my baby's Pop Pop

The things that come up in conversation that I call "JohnMoore-isms." Stuff that Dad would have said in response to certain situations. Loud SIGHS he would have made when he's like, what can I even say to that, or the look that he would get on his face. I look at my kid and her amazing  little brain and I'm like, damn, she's hella smart. Like Dad smart. The man was brilliant. And it's like, my brother and I wouldn't be here and wouldn't be us if it weren't for my dad and we're kind okay as far as humans go.

And then we have our wonderful fabulous precious beautiful children. And all of us loved my dad and he loved us and it's like, at the end of the day, when your number is up, and mothereffer, that is going to happen to all of us, like it or not, it's what's left here when your number up. It's who you loved and who remembers you and who walks around with a part of you inside of them.

my baby and my little brother's baby

That's what it's all about.

And Dad, if you have Internet wherever you are, like I already told you, I miss the hell out of you and I wish you were still here and I'm pissed that you're not but I'm grateful for all the pieces of you that are still here.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Blue Cheese and Hot Yoga But Not at the Same Time Because That Would Be Gross

I went to post a comment on the Facebook page of The Klonopin Chronicles and I was like, is it bleu cheese or is it blue cheese? And then I went and found this open letter on Serious Eats and I'm like the Serious Eats people are serious... about eats... so they should know. I'm pretty sure my container from Trader Joe's says "blue" but it's at work and I could have just Googled "Trader Joe's Blue Cheese" but that would have been too logical so instead I Googled, "is it blue or bleu cheese" and found that post. Also this post like on the 4th page of search results and the fact that I went on for 4 pages just goes to show you how I can waste so much f$%king time at the computer when I should be cleaning my house or exercising and that's just one of the reasons my house is so messy and I'm fat.

Well, the main reason I'm fat is because I eat too much. It's actually that simple. A Facebook friend posted something about weight loss and one of her friends made a comment about how someone had told her that 90% of weight loss is about what you eat, how you eat it, and when you eat, or something like that, and only 10% is about the exercise. And of course for years I have just been doing this backwards and stuffing my face and eating my feelings and rewarding myself with food and needing a burrito on the horizon so I have something to look forward to and being too lazy to cook healthy stuff and just really liking food and a lot of it. That being said I have two fabulous food days IN A ROW under my belt and I'm going for a third today. And they weren't perfect because sure, I stayed in the calorie range that MyFitnessPal gave me and all, but like, I one day I didn't eat any fruit at all, for example. So you know, baby steps.

On the subject of exercise I went to my first hot (Bikram) yoga class because friends + Groupon = why not. Also I have done yoga several times throughout the years, first with my Kathy Smith VHS back in the '90's and then there was this Rodney Yee video I did like once or twice and this Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss one I did a few times and then there is the good ol' Wii Fit yoga. Good times. But I had never been to a yoga class so I was pumped as heck about this.

totally still have this VHS and a drawer full of other VHS exercise tapes
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So three of my friends and I showed up for the class (one of my friends had been before by herself because two of us got stuck in traffic and they won't let you in if you're late on account of they don't want you stepping on people who are up in their yoga and s#$t) and we go in and IT'S HOT. Now the thing about me and HOT is that I hate it, generally. When I'm not supposed to be hot and I get hot and I sweat or I have a hot f$%king flash I hate it, so much. But if it's about exercise, I'm all for it. Bring it. So this was fine by me and I loved the class even though there are several poses I could not execute because a) I'm fat and b) I'm not very flexible (at least not yet). And a couple of times I got dizzy because IT'S HOT. And it's morning and I have not eaten anything and I had like half a cup of coffee so there you go. But I tried not to panic because the nice lady was whatever you're feeling is normal and if you get tired take a break just sit your ass down and I like that because that is not how CrossFit is. At all. Apples and evil oranges, that's the difference between some intense Bikram yoga and CrossFit. Just my opinion but maybe that will change after another CrossFit class which I might go to because I think I sort of promised the friend who had to do hot yoga all by herself that I'd go to at least one more damn CrossFit class. Anyway, after the hot yoga class we were walking back to my friend's car and we looked like this:

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Seriously, the car was parked in a residential area and we thought people might take one step out the door, see us, and then be all like, f$%k me, it's the f#$king zombie apocalypse, and go back inside and call 911. Fortunately we got out of there before anything else happened.

Anyway, yay for exercise and sweat. I'm about to get on the treadmill when I'm done here. I might even run a little. A very little. Mostly I will walk fast though running would be a lot more help in preparing for a zombie apocalypse. 

Yeah, so, in my last post maybe I had a boyfriend but I'm back to being single because sometimes when you love someone it doesn't mean there is enough of them to share with you. Or that they can meet your boyfriend requirements. And breaking up is hard to do. You should have seen me the other day in the depths of despair moments I'd sneak and have while the kid was at school or in the other room. But I'm not there right now and hopefully I won't go back there because it sucks and I'm right now having that "you just broke up so get yourself less fat" thing instead of  a "you just broke up so order a chicken sandwich from Burger King and ask for extra mayonnaise" thing. Because usually with the downs of this relationship (and there have been a SHIT TON) I have that second one but I feel calmer which I take as a really good sign so I'm going to try to stay in that first place, yo.

But I still get to have blue cheese because THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!

photo credit:

Bolthouse Farms Chunky Blue Cheese Yogurt salad dressing is my new jam. Holy hell it's so good. And of course if you add some crumbled blue cheese from TJ's (because I can have that, too, because in moderation it works) it's even better. I had it on romaine lettuce with added blue cheese crumbles and wasabi almonds from Trader Joe's and it was off the chain. 

Okay, damn, my mouth is watering. Let me go get my cardio on so I can my brunch.