Guys, yesterday, for a few to even several hours, I hated myself.
It fucking sucked.
I give hating oneself zero stars. Would not recommend.
So since I haven't done a blog post since I don't even know when, and since I had the unbelievably good fortune to have a friend offer to work for me today so I could take some comp time and have a much-needed mental health day that I didn't even know I needed (not because of the self loathing thing, because of the working way too many days thing lately, but it's cool that the self loathing coincided with this bonus day off), I figure I'll talk about what went down and encourage others to NOT BE LIKE I WAS YESTERDAY. Because once again, it sucked.
Yesterday's self loathing was sponsored by my weight. I would bet that there are many people who can relate to this. Weight issues have been something with which I've dealt for my entire adult life. And even in my teens. And I'm 50 now so that's a really long time. At various times in my life, being overweight has been a really big deal for me. I've often had my self-esteem connected to those numbers on the scale or how well my clothes fit.
The cool thing about being in my 40's and now being 50 is that what I weigh doesn't usually play into my feelings about myself. Sure, I have plenty of moments where I'm like, "Well, I really wanted to wear these jeans but they are cutting off my circulation, that's a fucking bummer," or, "Maybe more people would want to date me if I wasn't carrying around these extra 100 lbs" (I don't like having that thought but online dating be like that which is one of the reasons I hate it and I'm not currently doing it) or, "My knees wouldn't hurt so much and maybe I'd live longer and be around for my kid if I were at a healthier weight." So carrying extra weight, it is a thing for me, but in spite of that, I choose to think thoughts like, "I'm pretty cute," or, "I don't have that many wrinkles thanks to all this oil in my face," or, "People seem to like being around me and hanging out with me so I must be doing okay," or, "My kid is a teenager and not a total asshole and is in fact pretty wonderful so I must have not done this motherhood thing completely incorrectly." With nearly everything in life, I want the silver linings. I want the glass half-full. I want the bright side. So when it comes to how I feel about myself, while I fully recognize internal and external things that need work, when it comes to the external stuff I don't want that to be my focus.
A few weeks ago I decided to try a keto diet again. I ate keto for most of 2019 and felt great and lost like 40 lbs. Around October of last year I fell off then there were the holidays and then I never felt like starting back in the beginning of this year and then pandemic and being an emotional eater you can just figure out the rest. It's been tough. So I've been doing a lot of exercising and trying different things on Beachbody On Demand and feeling great and stronger and more flexible and I hadn't even stepped on the scale, which for me, especially if I'm trying to eat differently, is unusual.
Then I got on the scale. And wow. I had no idea that my numbers had gone up as much as they had. It was a shocker.
And that's when the self loathing kicked in.
How could I let myself go this far? Why have I been lazy with this keto and not logging my calories? Why did I have all those cheat days? Why am I so weak? I'm so ugly. My stomach and hips and thighs are so big. I look terrible. I can't believe I have been walking around feeling good about myself and the fact that for the first time in my life I have been getting up BEFORE work to work out. How can I feel good about myself when I'm doing everything wrong and I look like this?
Yep. That was the tape playing in my head for most of yesterday. Pretty unpleasant, right?
Luckily, I'm a big believer in reset buttons. And sleeping things off. And tomorrow being a new day. Because today, I am happy to report, I don't hate myself.
I decided yesterday I would go take a walk today. I haven't in a while and the air quality is good and the sun is shining and the temperature should be good. And that then I will get in the ab workout that is next up in my lineup.
I'm choosing to not focus on what my body looks like today. For one thing, we are in a pandemic. If we are healthy and alive, we are lucky. If we can move, we are lucky. If we are able to get up and function, we are awesome.
Here's some powerful stuff that makes so much sense, from this article about self-loathing from the PsychAlive website (which, by the way, looks like it has some really cool stuff on it):
How to Overcome Self-Loathing
No matter what circumstances you find yourself in, a nasty point of view toward yourself is never warranted. It is never in your self-interest. The proper viewpoint toward yourself should be one of friendship. Think about yourself and treat yourself as you would a close friend; respectfully and with affection. With understanding and empathy. And maybe most importantly, with a sense of easiness and humor.
"It is never in your self-interest."
Right??? Right! What did that period of hating myself do for me? It took time away from me enjoying life. That's all that it did.
I can be aware that I have work to do or that I need to modify certain behaviors and not have that awareness turn to hating myself like it did yesterday.
I did get on the scale this morning. I couldn't help myself. I'd had a feeling that the number was going to go down because I had been on a bit of a two-day free-for-all and figured I'd been retaining a shit ton of water. And sure enough, the number was four pounds less than the day before (and yesterday I ate a lot more reasonably than I had been). But I don't plan to get on the scale anytime soon. I got the reality check that I needed, I know where I am, I know what tools I can use to work on that reality. But I'm going to be kind to myself about it. I'm going to treat myself like a friend. I'm going to remember that I'm doing my best on that day considering the circumstances.
Maybe I'll do some meditating, too. I always say I'm going to regularly practice meditation and then I don't. But maybe just typing this will at least get me to do it today. Fingers crossed.
I'll look for little things to do around the house that make me feel less chaotic. I bought an organizer for the lids of plastic containers. Just putting the lids in this thing and organizing that one shelf took me about 10 minutes and it made me feel so much better. Calmer. Because I judge myself on my inability to stay as organized and as tidy as I would like at my house. So now there's one less thing about which to judge myself. One little thing that was taking care of myself because it made me feel good and it wasn't expensive or time-consuming.
So if you have spent any time recently hating yourself or being unkind to yourself I hope you will take my advice: Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. You ARE lovable. You are worthy. You are not deserving of hate from anyone, especially yourself. Talk about it. Write about it. Get it out of your head and into a phone call with a friend or a diary entry for yourself. Don't let it swirl around in there and make you think it's true. I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on TV but I do know that RuPaul says at the end of every episode of Drag Race that if you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else, can I get an Amen? And you know what I say to that? AMEN!
