Sunday, December 22, 2013

The One Where I Quietly (or Not So Quietly) Yell and Maybe Lose Friends

Two days in a row I find myself needing to unload. So here I go.

Being Christian does not make you always right. Saying that x, y, or z goes against the Bible or your understanding of the Bible or the Bible that is used by your religion doesn't make it okay for you to condone and support and even celebrate intolerance.

We have all these Facebook pages popping up to support Phil Robertson because A & E fired him for lines like this in his recent GQ Magazine interview, the text of which can be found in its entirety here:

“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?”
So for him to lump gays in with terrorists is okay. Because we are ALL anti-terrorists. But don't you know that terrorists terrorize because WE are not following along with THEIR idea about religion?

Is this parallel lost on you? And by you, I mean those think it's cool to throw gays in with terrorists and those who think it's okay for Phil Robertson to say whatever he wants in a PUBLIC FORUM but it's NOT OKAY for his employer to can him over it.

People. That don't make no kind of sense.

And this gem, about how black folks seemed to have it good back in the day:

Phil On Growing Up in Pre-Civil-Rights-Era Louisiana
“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field.... They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!... Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”

Do I even need to say that this is such a ridiculously ignorant thing to say in 2013 in a space for all to read? Do I have to say this to you?

You don't have to march in a parade. You don't have to adopt a gay person like you would a needy child off the TV via UNICEF. No one is asking you to host an "invite a gay and a black person to dinner" night. And no one cares what you are talking about in your houses with your friends. You can not like whomever you want. You can think that being gay is unnatural immoral and should be illegal. And that black folks had it good back in the day.

What it makes no sense for you to do is be up in arms because one man said this stuff in a public forum and his employer, who happens to be a TV network, with millions of people who watch that network decided that he is not someone they want in his employ.

Guess what would have happened had Phil said that at his house to Miss Kay while they were playing cards or wrapping gifts? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I'm up in arms because I LIKE DUCK DYNASTY. My girlfriend literally just gave me Duck Dynasty pint glasses that say "Happy Happy Happy." I bought my Mom ******CHRISTMAS SPOILER ALERT***** the Si-cology book for Christmas. I'm up in arms because Phil did not know the difference between expressing honest opinions and saying stuff that is inflammatory and engenders hate IN FRONT OF A WORLDWIDE AUDIENCE, not with this buddies while on a hunting trip. I'm pissed off that maybe the whole dang show is going to be gone when it has brought a lot of laughs and joy AND good messages about family to people. So THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD BE PISSED OFF ABOUT. Not that A & E canned him. But that Phil, in that interview, was Phil at his HOUSE and not Phil TALKING TO A MAGAZINE.

Thanks for letting me yell about this.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

ENOUGH ALREADY! It's Bleeping Christmas So Let's Try Being NICE!!!!

My heart is broken all over the place. Because I have heavy shit going on in my life, some real and big and ridiculously formidable, and some not so much. And then I just see so much hate and vitriol and hostility all over my Facebook.

I'm so f#$king over it.

Here is the thing. Everyone has a right to their opinion. But when did we get to this place of being so IT'S US AGAINST THEM. We vote this way, WE ARE THE GOOD GUYS. So the other guys ARE THE BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD GUYS.

Calm the eff down, people.


Look, every single administration has probably had something that got bleeped up, right? Sometimes there is a Democrat in office. Other times there is a Republican. I have been voting since 1988 and for almost half the time the guy for whom I voted did not win. Them is the breaks, as they say.

I'm not a "political" person. I don't pay attention to what is going on in the world. I don't watch the news. I go to work, I care for my family, I care about their happiness and the happiness of my friends. I care about being a good person and trying to do the right thing.

During the time that a President was in office who I did not like who was doing stuff I did not like, no amount of complaining about it was going to change anything. It was not going to change my life. It was not going to affect how much I loved my daughter or make my ex-husband less of a jerk or change how much I hated or loved my job at the time.

If you are trying to convince me that the wrong guy is in office with ongoing spewing of hate and hostility and worse, IT'S NOT WORKING.

Do you know what I LOVE? I love facts. I like knowing THE WHOLE STORY. Not just to see snarky posts about one sliver of one problem that blows it up into THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED EVER.

I am not someone who picks my friends based on their beliefs. I work in an industry that is by and large conservative. I on the other hand, am not. I. Don't. Judge. I don't judge you for how you vote. I judge you by how you live and how you work and how you treat other people.

I'm not saying that just my conservative friends are doing this, they're just the ones AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME with the biggest gripes. I'm am anti-hate. I'm anti-stuff that presents narrow viewpoints. Because there are so many people in the world who are not critical thinkers and they just see one thing and they go ALL ABOARD THE HATE TRAIN! LET'S GO!

All I want, and this sounds crazy as all get out, is to let there be peace on Earth and to let that shit begin with me. I'm not even kidding. Like, look, let's get our stuff worked out. Let's figure this out. As those guys say on Wonder Pets, what's gonna work? TEAMWORK. Seriously and truly and for real.

Not hate and divisiveness. It just doesn't work. Period.

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If you are reading this and you think I'm talking about you, then you may be right. And if you find yourself wallowing in negativity and the urge to constantly share it, then try maybe taking a week or two off and see if you feel better and if the people around you smile more because you're not dwelling on that stuff.

I'm. Just. Saying. Give it a whirl.

Thanks for listening to me.

I was gonna do a post about how I sort of had a mid-life crisis and cut all my hair off (my awesome hair dude sort of talked me into it and I decided with everything I have faced in the last couple of years to be afraid of cutting my hair is just STUPID) so here's a picture of me and I would have left my sexy friend in the pic who took this picture but who knows if she wants her face all up in my crazy ass blog.

My daughter is in HELLA mourning over my hair. She's only ever known me with a bunch more hair. Hopefully she will get a little bit used to it because I kinda dig it and I think it's gonna help with my hot flashes, too.

Merry Christmas, to every single one of you.

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my fave of all those stop motion Christmas shows from the '70s

Saturday, November 30, 2013

I'm Fat, and You're Not. Good For You.

People who inspire me don't feel the need to point out that this group or that group shouldn't be getting positive media attention (here's the article and video about "Fit Mom" that made me do this post that started out as a Facebook status that was getting to long). I don't think it should get you kicked off Facebook, I just think it makes you kind of obnoxious if you can't just revel in how freaking awesome you look and that you accomplished that and that you're inspiring some people. Not me, because while many people inspire me this lady is not one of them.

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I kinda love this shirt so much right now I could marry it

If I looked like this lady, I would spend all the livelong day clothes shopping and having noookie during which time I would turn cartwheels and bend myself into every conceivable position known to mankind, much to the pleasure of the luckiest man in the world, my partner. I mean, I guess even the shopping and constant nookie would get boring after a while, but I don't see when I would have the time to look for people to put down or to be concerned that too many people admire them. COME. THE EFF. ON.

And I guess it's because I've been there. I'm there now. I know it's hard. I don't know this lady's story when it comes to a partner or a job or whatever but I know it can be extra hard if you're a single mom. Or you're a single mom and do shift work. Or if you are a single mom and do shift work and ever spent some of your time helping to care for a parent. Or deal with an ex with a shit ton of problems. And I guess the deal is that these aren't excuses, they're just life. I don't make excuses. I know at anytime I can just say fuck it. I'm on it. I'm eating right. I'm getting up before work to exercise. I'm going to do it all right because I KNOW how to do it. I just haven't yet, at least recently.

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I had to post this because it had me cracking up

While trying to Google images that might work in this post, I came across this post by The Militant Baker who just might be one of the most awesome bloggers upon whom I've ever had the fortune to stumble and I plan to devour a bunch more of her stuff. In the meantime, this is just AWESOME.

I'm fat right now is because of me. Because I've had a hot body and I know how I got there before. I know the reasons I overeat, and I know that every day is the day I hope that I'll turn my shit around. Hell, it could be today, who knows. But in the meantime I sure as hell will find lingerie that I can rock should the need arise to rock some lingerie. I'm. Just. Saying.


Saturday, November 9, 2013

The 100 Word Story With No Title

So Her Supreme Awesomeness over at The Klonopin Chronicles posted this thing on Facebook about a 100 word story contest and said she was gonna give that exercise a whirl on account of having probably written 100 word sentences before and I was like, I should try that, too, on account of having also probably written 100 word sentences my own damn self. So I didn't enter the contest but I wrote this and I don't have a title. I suck with titles. Oh, and I posted it here because I haven't posted anything in a long ass time. Because dang, I've been busy and stuff, yo. But that's a post for another time.

By the way, that first sentence was only 63 words.

The 100 Word Story Without a Title

Imagine a life in which one takes responsibility for nothing. Everything is someone else’s fault. Every problem is due to circumstance and misfortune and not the fact that one's personality has unraveled and deteriorated to the point that they feel they owe nothing to anyone. Not even when they owe so much to so many. What must it be like to be unfettered by societal rules where one reaps what one sows and one gets what one gives and instead to take and never give. Imagine what it is like to be in the orbit of that person. It’s awful.

It's kind of a bummer of a story but it's what came to mind in that moment. I could totally do a 100 word happy story but this was the one that needed to come out today, I think.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

The One About How I Miss My Dad and the Good Things Left Behind

I can't believe it's been a year since we lost my dad to cancer. It seems like only yesterday that my brother called me at work and said I needed to come to care home where my dad was NOW, not after work as I'd planned. And I went and I held Dad's hand and Mom's hand and I hugged my brother and I told my dad how much I loved him and at least once early in the day he was able to tell me he loved me, too, and though it wasn't clear I know that's what he said.

That was for me. I'm not assuming you guys are crying or anything and if you are I'm sorry and I'll turn it around with some good stuff, at least I hope so.

So, last night I was on the way home from the hospital because my mom's in the hospital because either the universe has a HILARIOUS sense of humor or a really SUPER FUCKED UP sense of humor or you know, life is just nuts and shit like that, and the story of her being in the hospital is another story for another blog and not for today. But anyway. I was on the way home and I decided to have a conversation with my dad.

Yes, like, me in my car, in the dark, talking out loud to my dad who died a year ago. Because here is the thing, and this is what I told him in this conversation, I don't know how all of this works. So I figure what the heck, I told him I loved him and I missed him and if he has any pull with ANYONE who has any control over ANYTHING though I tend to believe all of life is just luck, good or rotten or in-between, but again, what if I'm wrong about that, so I'm like obviously go ahead and pull some strings about Mom so everything goes all smoothly with her and all that. That would be great.

And then I cried like a big fat crybaby bitch all the way to my brother's house to pick up my daughter.

What I have found, when you have a kid, and you are trying to hold it together for the most part around her, because hey, she's a kid, and she should get to be a kid as much as she can and not be worried or worried about her mommy etc. So I have found that the car is for crying. The car is also good for screaming if you need to do that. Roll up the windows first, but then scream your fucking head off if you need to, and in this past year, I have found times that I need to scream my fucking head off.

So I'm thinking I got that sobfest out of the way. So I am planning today when Dad crosses my mind (which will be a lot) to think about what he leaves behind, and not in the sad way, but in the good way.

one of my faves
my baby, my stupid cat, and my baby's Pop Pop

The things that come up in conversation that I call "JohnMoore-isms." Stuff that Dad would have said in response to certain situations. Loud SIGHS he would have made when he's like, what can I even say to that, or the look that he would get on his face. I look at my kid and her amazing  little brain and I'm like, damn, she's hella smart. Like Dad smart. The man was brilliant. And it's like, my brother and I wouldn't be here and wouldn't be us if it weren't for my dad and we're kind okay as far as humans go.

And then we have our wonderful fabulous precious beautiful children. And all of us loved my dad and he loved us and it's like, at the end of the day, when your number is up, and mothereffer, that is going to happen to all of us, like it or not, it's what's left here when your number up. It's who you loved and who remembers you and who walks around with a part of you inside of them.

my baby and my little brother's baby

That's what it's all about.

And Dad, if you have Internet wherever you are, like I already told you, I miss the hell out of you and I wish you were still here and I'm pissed that you're not but I'm grateful for all the pieces of you that are still here.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Blue Cheese and Hot Yoga But Not at the Same Time Because That Would Be Gross

I went to post a comment on the Facebook page of The Klonopin Chronicles and I was like, is it bleu cheese or is it blue cheese? And then I went and found this open letter on Serious Eats and I'm like the Serious Eats people are serious... about eats... so they should know. I'm pretty sure my container from Trader Joe's says "blue" but it's at work and I could have just Googled "Trader Joe's Blue Cheese" but that would have been too logical so instead I Googled, "is it blue or bleu cheese" and found that post. Also this post like on the 4th page of search results and the fact that I went on for 4 pages just goes to show you how I can waste so much f$%king time at the computer when I should be cleaning my house or exercising and that's just one of the reasons my house is so messy and I'm fat.

Well, the main reason I'm fat is because I eat too much. It's actually that simple. A Facebook friend posted something about weight loss and one of her friends made a comment about how someone had told her that 90% of weight loss is about what you eat, how you eat it, and when you eat, or something like that, and only 10% is about the exercise. And of course for years I have just been doing this backwards and stuffing my face and eating my feelings and rewarding myself with food and needing a burrito on the horizon so I have something to look forward to and being too lazy to cook healthy stuff and just really liking food and a lot of it. That being said I have two fabulous food days IN A ROW under my belt and I'm going for a third today. And they weren't perfect because sure, I stayed in the calorie range that MyFitnessPal gave me and all, but like, I one day I didn't eat any fruit at all, for example. So you know, baby steps.

On the subject of exercise I went to my first hot (Bikram) yoga class because friends + Groupon = why not. Also I have done yoga several times throughout the years, first with my Kathy Smith VHS back in the '90's and then there was this Rodney Yee video I did like once or twice and this Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss one I did a few times and then there is the good ol' Wii Fit yoga. Good times. But I had never been to a yoga class so I was pumped as heck about this.

totally still have this VHS and a drawer full of other VHS exercise tapes
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So three of my friends and I showed up for the class (one of my friends had been before by herself because two of us got stuck in traffic and they won't let you in if you're late on account of they don't want you stepping on people who are up in their yoga and s#$t) and we go in and IT'S HOT. Now the thing about me and HOT is that I hate it, generally. When I'm not supposed to be hot and I get hot and I sweat or I have a hot f$%king flash I hate it, so much. But if it's about exercise, I'm all for it. Bring it. So this was fine by me and I loved the class even though there are several poses I could not execute because a) I'm fat and b) I'm not very flexible (at least not yet). And a couple of times I got dizzy because IT'S HOT. And it's morning and I have not eaten anything and I had like half a cup of coffee so there you go. But I tried not to panic because the nice lady was whatever you're feeling is normal and if you get tired take a break just sit your ass down and I like that because that is not how CrossFit is. At all. Apples and evil oranges, that's the difference between some intense Bikram yoga and CrossFit. Just my opinion but maybe that will change after another CrossFit class which I might go to because I think I sort of promised the friend who had to do hot yoga all by herself that I'd go to at least one more damn CrossFit class. Anyway, after the hot yoga class we were walking back to my friend's car and we looked like this:

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Seriously, the car was parked in a residential area and we thought people might take one step out the door, see us, and then be all like, f$%k me, it's the f#$king zombie apocalypse, and go back inside and call 911. Fortunately we got out of there before anything else happened.

Anyway, yay for exercise and sweat. I'm about to get on the treadmill when I'm done here. I might even run a little. A very little. Mostly I will walk fast though running would be a lot more help in preparing for a zombie apocalypse. 

Yeah, so, in my last post maybe I had a boyfriend but I'm back to being single because sometimes when you love someone it doesn't mean there is enough of them to share with you. Or that they can meet your boyfriend requirements. And breaking up is hard to do. You should have seen me the other day in the depths of despair moments I'd sneak and have while the kid was at school or in the other room. But I'm not there right now and hopefully I won't go back there because it sucks and I'm right now having that "you just broke up so get yourself less fat" thing instead of  a "you just broke up so order a chicken sandwich from Burger King and ask for extra mayonnaise" thing. Because usually with the downs of this relationship (and there have been a SHIT TON) I have that second one but I feel calmer which I take as a really good sign so I'm going to try to stay in that first place, yo.

But I still get to have blue cheese because THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!

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Bolthouse Farms Chunky Blue Cheese Yogurt salad dressing is my new jam. Holy hell it's so good. And of course if you add some crumbled blue cheese from TJ's (because I can have that, too, because in moderation it works) it's even better. I had it on romaine lettuce with added blue cheese crumbles and wasabi almonds from Trader Joe's and it was off the chain. 

Okay, damn, my mouth is watering. Let me go get my cardio on so I can my brunch.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Why Tornado People F#$king Suck and This Has Nothing to Do With Actual Tornadoes

I'm not gonna do a long post because I don't want to waste any more energy but I'm sort of doing this because saying it will make me feel better and I really did have this light bulb sort of moment on the way home from this awesome walk I took with some friends and I was like, I gotta write this down. Because I want to remember this image for the next time I need a reminder not to bang my head against the wall, and also someone else might read this and be like oh, that's right, remember what Jen said that one time? I think I will NOT bang my head against a wall this time.

So some people are like tornadoes. Picture a tornado. It's awful and it's destructive and it wreaks havoc. Now trying to have a conversation with someone who is the living embodiment of a tornado. It would basically be like taking a two-by-four and flinging into a tornado. Either that sucker is going to fly away and land in Oz, or there is a good chance it is going to come right back at you and smack you in the face with all of the strength of a tornado.

Let's have some visual aids, shall we?

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See all that stuff flying around? Those are your words not getting anywhere near where you want them to be. You want them to be all meaningful and stuff and get all up into the brain of the person to whom you're speaking because you're like dang, this is some good important stuff I'm trying to lay on you right now. But they are this tornado. And their brains pretty much look like this on the inside. Like here is what your brain looks like:

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Except of course your brain is not all colorful like that but it would be hella cool if it were. Anyway, your brain looks like that. And you're all like, being logical, and connecting the dots, and putting words together in a way you make sense, and then the words come out of your mouth, and the tornado person has this ridiculous reaction no matter how you say what you say, because again, their brain looks like this:

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And when you get done talking to them, you feel like this:

So try not to let them get you to that point. Which is easier said than done. And fortunately, at least in my experience, there are very few people like this. Or, at least I've been ridiculously lucky and I only have one of these in my life with whom I have to deal on a regular basis. But they're out there, and this is my tornado warning for the next time you come upon them. Try not to get bent like like this damn tower. Because you're okay, and they are stuck in the middle of a tornado, which really sucks for them.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

And I Say Hey, What's Goin' On?

I'm sayin' hey, what's goin' on, peeps, because it's been a while. So I'm checking on you and I need to write something down. I have nothing except random thoughts but you know that's how I am if you ever read this blog. So here they are.

First of all, I have always loved the 4 Non Blondes song, What's Up. Love it. I love to sing along loudly and poorly with this song. And if you don't know it here it is.

And I have had a girl crush on the band's lead singer, songwriter and producer Linda Perry, ever since I caught a bit of her on that CBS show with the ladies that is like The View and her fiancée Sara Gilbert is on it... The Talk. I knew if I wrote that sentence by the end of the sentence I would have pulled the name of the show out of my ass. So I told my co-worker friend yesterday and she goes, what, WHY? Because she found this picture...

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... and she says something like, "This picture makes it look like Sara Gilbert is doing some sort of charity to help people who are on heroin and this is one of the people she is helping." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I had to say all those hahahas just now because I am literally cracking up just thinking about it. So I go okay, maybe not that picture. How about this one?

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I really don't remember what picture she found that made her think okay, she looks better than she initially thought, but she still doesn't get it. Okay, I'm not saying I do, either. For some reason she seems like she would be fun and could show a girl a good time. Ahem. That's all I'm saying. And then I saw this video and I was like okay, girl crush sandwich, with her and P!nk.

Oh my gosh. I love love love love LOVED this. Am I the only one who gets the Linda Perry thing? I mean, aside from Sara Gilbert? I'm cool with that if so.

In news related to What's Up, my kid found this on YouTube and finds it hilarious. The part where the guy is just stirring a pot kills me. We are easily entertained.

So the other day I went to my first CrossFit class. I f#$king hated it. It was awful. At one point I was running and I was like, hmmmm... I wonder if I might actually have a heart attack. Like right here in this parking lot and have to go to the hospital and my ex will have to pick up my kid from school today because I'm busy having a heart attack. How much would that suck? Here is the thing. I like to exercise. I love to sweat when I do. I like getting my ass handed to me and feeling like oh holy F#$K, I just hella DID SOMETHING SO GOOD JUST NOW. No doubt. But the whole boot campy sorta thing and the weights being like weightlifter style as opposed to just strength training... well, let's just say so far I'm not sold. But I bought 6 classes for the low low price of $29 so I will use the last $24.17 of my Groupon because as my friend Ang said, I should go ahead and make CrossFit my bitch. So I'll go at least one more time, and then I will be so appreciative of REGULAR exercise and work harder because I know I CAN. But seriously, some Zumba and my treadmill and dumbbells for my strength training. I'm all about it.

Oh, but today I can totally like, lift my arms and yesterday I almost couldn't, so there's that.

I guess I kinda sorta have a boyfriend now and that's weird and I'll keep you posted on that. I really haven't had a boyfriend since my ex-husband was my boyfriend and that's going back to like '97 until like '00 when we got engaged. So ummm yes weird. And I'll be learning how this works as I go because he was like well how often well I see you and I'm like I don't know because I've never been 43 years old with a kid and a boyfriend ever before in my life. It's cool to love someone and have them love you back. I know that much. The rest we'll figure out as we go.

If I never have to deal with an addict again in any capacity I will be okay with that and let's just leave it at that. Because addiction is a mothereffer, and again, let's just leave it at that.

Yahoo Mail is now doing this thing where they keep an advertisement at the top of your mail inbox like this.

A little annoying. But that's Yahoo Mail for you. Do you know what else is annoying? My packrat tendencies which border on complete and utter you-need-extra-medicine-for-this-problem territory which accounts for the fact that I have 11,262 unread emails in my inbox. Most of those are probably ads. So since I just outed myself on this I will be sure today to take some time to bring that number down because that's just weird. I never delete anything. If you see my house you would see I never throw stuff out. I have problems. Knowing is half the battle. I think I told you guys about this before and I'm still like that. But hey, you never know, one day I might write a post about how my house is all clean and organized and that I have a mail inbox like a regular person.

This show right here is one of the best I've ever seen.

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Seriously. It's on Netflix streaming. Go ahead and try it and see if you don't devour it like I did and then afterward watch other TV shows and be all like okay, that was good, but it wasn't Sherlock or anything. It's like that, yo.

I don't like hot flashes. I am just saying that they are not fun. I wonder what the next 10-15 years of my life are going to be like hormonally speaking. What a fun ride that might be.

I love my kid with all my heart. She is the greatest thing ever. Even better than sliced bread. I will say, however, that seven-and-a-half, this particular age, I am finding a little more challenging that say seven. Or six. (But nothing is as challenging as like that dark dark dark time of two-and-a-half through three-and-a-half, of course.) Like she is a pretty reasonable human being most of the time. But I find I have more times when I'm like hey, come on, get in the shower, and then have to ask like three more times before her a#$ is off the couch and coming my way. That sort of thing. And I was talking to a teacher friend of mine and she was like, it's 2nd grade. She was like second graders are not necessarily the most pleasant creatures. I'm paraphrasing and embellishing. But that made me feel better. But again, mostly she is delightful. But lately she has had me thinking, is it me? Am I just challenged patience-ararily right now, or WTF? So yes. We'll ride this out and hope it gets smoother and in the meantime I am thankful more than words can say that she is my kid because even when she is challenging it never lasts and at her most challenging I wouldn't trade her for ANYTHING.

So hey, what's goin' on with you guys? I hope a lot of hella good stuff.

Friday, July 19, 2013

I Was Trying to Write This One Post About Serious S#$t But It Was Too Hard So I'm Writing This Instead

Seriously, be nice to each other.

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Be nice to as many people as is humanly possible.

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I'm not saying if someone is a total douche you need to be nice to them, fuck that guy.

I'm just saying, look for some compassion. Dig down deep for some empathy. If it's not in there or you don't know what these things mean, look them up in a dictionary and then try them on for size and see how much better you feel.

Sharing things that are good and positive will make you feel that way. Sharing things that are negative and hateful will make you feel that way.

I have what will be a news flash for some people: History did not start the day you were born. Acting like current events only reflect life in the United States or the world as it is CURRENTLY is ludicrous. 

There are some super shitty people in the world. I choose to believe that there are more of us who are good and trying to be kind and generally mind our own business, just sometimes we're not as loud as the other ones.

Stop missing the point. For the love of all that is good and holy, please don't try to comment on how jacked up this news story about oranges is by sharing a news story about apples. Because fuck. Me. Seriously. If you can't reason and connect the dots and formulate an opinion based on what is being presented I don't want to fucking hear it. So that's me not being nice. But seriously. Try to get the point. That would be awesome.

Get a mirror. Look into it. See what you are putting out into the world. This is what you're going to get back. So if you don't like what you see, change something. Try to fix it.

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I know the people who should see this won't. But I feel a little bit better for having said it.

I seriously hope that all of you have an awesome day and get to laugh and smile a bunch because that is the business right there.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

It's Hard to Not Take Things Personally When People Are F$%king Jerks To You

It really is.

Because if someone is being a jerk to you, even if you know they're a jerk of the highest order, then you're still going to be like, "What am I doing that is making them a be a jerk? Why are they being a jerk to ME?"

Which, in all honesty, is a good question. You want to first make sure that YOU'RE not being a jerk. I mean, even if you're not a jerk, it's a totally good idea to check yourself and make sure you haven't made some sort of jerk move that is inciting beef jerkiness in the other person.

Once you've assessed your jerk level and find that your setting is zero, or even like, a negative number on the scale, then you're back to wondering why is this person jerking out all over ME?

Well. The answer is, sometimes people are jerks. Just like, to almost everyone. And even if they're not being a jerk to everyone, and they are hardcore jerked up when it comes to you, it STILL doesn't mean it's you.

Famous Jerk: Justin Bieber
photo credit:

Whew. What a relief, right? Now you can just go on about your business with a big smile on your face and it's all good in the 'hood and birds are chirping and the sun is shining and all that business, right?


Well, that is how it should be. But getting there is a sonofabitch. Like, I'm sorry. I'm finding that part hard.

Before I go on, let me be clear about something. For the purposes of this post I'm talking about people with whom you are forced to deal; they work with you and you love your job or they're like in your family or some s$%t like that. Because if you know a jerk and you are NOT forced to deal with them, then you can just tell them to go f$%k themselves and call it a day. So I'm just talking about situations where the lovely phrase, "Go f$%k yourself" is not an option.

Karate Kid Jerk: Billy Zabka
photo credit: entertainment.blogs.

Once you figure out that this person is just a jerk and possibly going to always be that way, then there should be this process of letting go. Oh, and I forgot, let's rule out this idea that you can fix their jerkiness, or save them from a life of jerky pot pie. Let's say you've even tried to help them see the light and get on the path to leading a jerk-free life and that just didn't work. Hey, you tried. And it was probably stupid of you to try because especially when we're dealing with grown ass folks, they're probably already set personality-ararily. I mean, aside from a soap opera style deal where they fall off a bridge and survive but have amnesia and wake up with a totally different personality, probably nothing is going to change. So just like, let that dream go. They're not gonna change. So who has to change? YOU HAVE TO CHANGE.

And that's the hard part. You have to change how you react to these jerks in your life.

It's that Buddhist thing all over again, wasn't I just talking about that not long ago? That whole idea of suffering and how it is not the THING, it's how YOU react to the thing? Yes, it's THAT.

But it doesn't mean it's easy. That's what I'm saying. And that's why I'm writing this. Because telling you guys it should be like that will remind me that it should be like that and then what do you know, I just wrote myself into some more peace. WOO HOO!!!

So how you get to that spot of changing how you react, that's going to vary. I'm obviously no expert when it comes to that part. I do find that for me, writing helps. Writing down all the things that you can't say because it's futile is a great way to vent. Talking to your friends, the ones who are NOT jerks, about the Jerkface Jerry in your life, that helps. But not too much, because then we are giving that guy time in our lives, time better spent hugging and loving on people and frolicking and feeling peace and chilling and SMILING.

Back to the Future Jerk: Biff Tannen
photo credit:

Because see, we have the ability to smile a whole bunch. While Jimmy Jerkface III probably is not smiling so much. And never will. And all the time we spend not smiling on account of that guy is a waste of smile time!!!

Because dude's a jerk. And jerks pretty much do not change their jerk stripes. And if you're a person who is hopeful about humans the way I am, that one is HARD. That is a bitter pill to swallow. But the good news is that once you get that and decide that you don't have to let these people affect you, then you'e cooking with gas.

Superman II Jerk: General Zod
photo credit:

Don't get me wrong. I'm not like Shifu from Kung Fu Panda and all master-level with my jerk force field impervious to dings and stuff. Like, no way. I'm still going to even CRY sometimes because I'm not only human, I'm a human girl and I'm all sensitive and stuff and don't forget I'm chock full of hormones like a mothereffer. But I'm going to try, because damn it, I LIKE TO SMILE!

I also don't think it makes you a bad person if you believe in karma. That whole we reap what we sow thing.

Yes, that. It's okay to think that. As long as you're smiling when you do.

Go frolic! And eff those jerks!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

I Know It's Supposed to be Spring But I'm Liking Summer as a Time for Renewal, AKA Yet Another Post About Wanting to Make Changes I Guess

Kids, it's one of those days where I'm not really sure I have anything to write, and yet I'm compelled to write anyway. I already drank my two cups of coffee, so now is the time I'm supposed to get up and put on my shoes and get on the treadmill and watch some TV (which right now would be Scandal on HuluPlus which I need to hurry up and finish because I refuse to pay for anymore than one month of the HuluPlus I got just so I could finish season two of this show and be ready for season three this fall). So am I stalling? Well, that is sort of my M.O. But I'm also restless, on the inside. And I feel like I need to write some stuff down to feel less so. 

Restless and unsettled. With this one thing I have going on in my life. Remember last time I was all like, there are these two things that are like, weighing me down right now? Well, I still have the same two things and I'm working on one and with regard to the other one, I'm restless.

Unfinished, lacking closure. And it's one of those things where I have the power to close it down myself. And yet I resist. Which makes me crazy. As in, I'm crazy that I don't shut it down and walk away, and it makes me crazy that I feel I can't.

I was just talking to some friends about my most favorite Buddhist concept, and believe me, I don't know many of them, even though I have the Buddhism for Dummies book in my bathroom. I tend to just read the same little section over and over again.

Side note: I love Ingrid Michaelson, like so much. I'm listening to her on Spotify right now and I. Just. Love. Her. Everybody is one of my favorite albums ever. Also August and Everything After by Counting Crows. I recently came across the TAPE and have that in my car. I have the CD, but it might be in the CD holder thingy I have wedged in a corner and can't even access because my love seat is in the way.

And can I take this moment to mention that my house is out of control. I mean, so far out of control. I was just talking about mental fortitude this morning, and the lack thereof when it came to someone I know. Do you want to know who lacks mental fortitude? I do, when it comes to keeping this house organized and tidy and clutter-free. Audible sigh. This morning before I even sat down with my coffee I started sorting some stuff on my table and I was like hey, here's an idea. Like, tackle one little thing. Then go back to doing what I do best, chilling. I'm so good at chilling. Then do another little part. And then more chilling. Instead of doing NOTHING, and like, chilling the whole time. What a concept.

Oh, so that's kind of where I'm supposed to be going with this post. Except that as usual, my coffee was REALLY strong, so I feel like I have a super power right now and that super power is being able to type REALLY REALLY fast and also my brain is chugging along at that speed and all over the place. Were you to look inside my brain it looks like this:

If there were guys in my brain trying to keep the wires straight they would have to be paid a lot.
photo credit:

So really. Summer is here and for me that means my kid is out of school which means that on my days off (which fall on the weekdays) I could actually stay in my pajamas all day. If I wanted to, I could do that. Which is kind of lovely. Not that I do, but that I could. That I don't have to jump out of bed and get her ready for school and take her to school and pick her up and that I get to hang with her (when she is interested in hanging with me) and we get to be leisurely and we have beach trips in our future and who knows what else. So this to me seems like a time to try to that thing I was going to do before with us having more dinners together and her branching out and trying more foods like VEGETABLES and junk like that, for one thing.

And my house. Maybe this summer is when I will, little by little, get it organized.

And maybe this summer is when I get my heart in line with my head. My head knows what's up. I'm not brilliant or anything, but I'm not an idiot. But my heart is like, challenged. My heart, were it going to school, would not be in the college prep classes, let's just say. In many ways, I think due to my lack of experience when it comes to boys, the age of my heart is like 13. I want to pass a note to some guy in English class and then do that MASH game and see if I wind up with him and if we're gonna live in a mansion or a house and how many kids are we gonna have (though I'm totally kidding about that because this womb was closed for business like 7 years ago). Really, I'm in junior high when it comes to love and I'm not all smart and wise like my 43 years on this earth has made me when it comes to some other stuff.

But. I think I will get to that point. I will get to that wise space because I see glimmers of it. It's like a war between my 43 year old head and my 13 year old heart at times. Which is about as fun as it sounds.

And back to that Buddhist thing I left way back several paragraphs before. The deal is, here is THE THING. The thing that sorta sucks. And here is the way you RESPOND to THE THING. You can suffer, or you cannot suffer. That's your choice. And I was talking to these friends about hey, this is my choice. And there is something so empowering about knowing that I totally have a choice about how I want to respond to this situation or any situation. I know this, in my 43 year old head I hella know this. It doesn't mean it's easy, but I totally know that this is true.

So what was this post supposed to be about anyway? Oh yes, renewal. I'm digging the idea. In summer or whenever. Starting over. Starting again. Just because things are the way they are right now, it doesn't mean they are going to stay that way. I'm loving that idea.

Friday, June 14, 2013

The Post Where You Catch Me With All My Hormones Hanging Out, AKA I'll Blog Because I Don't Want To Do Any Housework Right Now

I'm an effed up bundle of hormonal messiness right now, folks. So what should I do? I should write it down and share it and then you guys can be all like praise the sweet eight pound six ounce baby Jesus of hormones, that girl is even more screwed up than I am.

I just turned forty-three. I think I look the same, but someone cranked the dial on my perimenopause. Like, if I'm an oven, I was set at 350, then my birthday hit and my body decided nah, let's crank that bitch up to 400.

Fuh realz.

Have you guys had a good cry yet today? I've sorta done some crying.

So here is this theme I've got going. There are a couple of people in my life who sort of exasperate me. Drain me, it feels, of all my superpowers. And on something of a continual basis for a period of time. I can't really be more specific than that, not that they will read this, but just, well, let's leave it at that.

So for this one person, well, the thing is that I know I need to let them go. Because you know how there is that Alcoholic's Anonymous credo (okay, duh, it's called the Serenity Prayer, I had to Google that s#$t):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference

Well, I get this. Except with this one person it seems to go like this:

I already know I can't change you or your choices,
So I would like you to take my heart out of my chest,
Then step on it,
Then step on it once more,
Then throw it in the garbage,
Then I'll get it out and put it back in,
Then we'll repeat the steps above,
And then, maybe then, I will get I cannot change this situation

Which, you gotta admit, is a pretty effed way to roll, right? Right. On the bright side, I think I get it now. Maybe. I'm like 99.9999999% sure I've fished the broken pieces of my heart out of the dumpster enough times to get that I'd rather keep it in my chest and not let this person have their way with it anymore.

So there's that.

And then there's this other person. Sigh. And there are just some people with whom you have to figure out how to exist. Peacefully and sanely. And it is taking way more energy than I wish I had to put out, but it might be getting better. And it might be so that I don't toss and turn at night worrying about this person and their place in my family's life. Which is good. I look for that glimmer of hope, that ray of light, and I hold onto it tight and work with it. And I give more of myself than this person could ever deserve. Because I'm kinda like well, sometimes, you gotta sorta help someone save themselves. I mean, you can't save them. But you have to put aside hurt feelings, and old wrongs, and be like okay, let's do this.

And it's exhausting.

Especially when your hormones are ALL effed up like mine are. 

So this is when I wish I had a crystal ball. So I can see how all of this stuff is gonna turn out. But you know, I don't. And no one does, damn it all to heck.

All I know is that I have (rerun coming, this is a total rerun) the best kid, family, and friends ever. And if I'm starting there, well then, I'm pretty much cooking with a bunch of effing gas, right? Right.

If you're at a crossroads and wondering which way to go and struggling with that decision or wondering if you should hold on or let go or weeding your life of people who could be replaced with people who look more like beautiful flowers than those effing weeds that get stuck in your socks or that your cat rolls around in and then you have to pick all those mothereffers off of him, just know you're not alone. I'm right there with you. And we have each other, so there's that.