Thursday, June 20, 2013

I Know It's Supposed to be Spring But I'm Liking Summer as a Time for Renewal, AKA Yet Another Post About Wanting to Make Changes I Guess

Kids, it's one of those days where I'm not really sure I have anything to write, and yet I'm compelled to write anyway. I already drank my two cups of coffee, so now is the time I'm supposed to get up and put on my shoes and get on the treadmill and watch some TV (which right now would be Scandal on HuluPlus which I need to hurry up and finish because I refuse to pay for anymore than one month of the HuluPlus I got just so I could finish season two of this show and be ready for season three this fall). So am I stalling? Well, that is sort of my M.O. But I'm also restless, on the inside. And I feel like I need to write some stuff down to feel less so. 

Restless and unsettled. With this one thing I have going on in my life. Remember last time I was all like, there are these two things that are like, weighing me down right now? Well, I still have the same two things and I'm working on one and with regard to the other one, I'm restless.

Unfinished, lacking closure. And it's one of those things where I have the power to close it down myself. And yet I resist. Which makes me crazy. As in, I'm crazy that I don't shut it down and walk away, and it makes me crazy that I feel I can't.

I was just talking to some friends about my most favorite Buddhist concept, and believe me, I don't know many of them, even though I have the Buddhism for Dummies book in my bathroom. I tend to just read the same little section over and over again.

Side note: I love Ingrid Michaelson, like so much. I'm listening to her on Spotify right now and I. Just. Love. Her. Everybody is one of my favorite albums ever. Also August and Everything After by Counting Crows. I recently came across the TAPE and have that in my car. I have the CD, but it might be in the CD holder thingy I have wedged in a corner and can't even access because my love seat is in the way.

And can I take this moment to mention that my house is out of control. I mean, so far out of control. I was just talking about mental fortitude this morning, and the lack thereof when it came to someone I know. Do you want to know who lacks mental fortitude? I do, when it comes to keeping this house organized and tidy and clutter-free. Audible sigh. This morning before I even sat down with my coffee I started sorting some stuff on my table and I was like hey, here's an idea. Like, tackle one little thing. Then go back to doing what I do best, chilling. I'm so good at chilling. Then do another little part. And then more chilling. Instead of doing NOTHING, and like, chilling the whole time. What a concept.

Oh, so that's kind of where I'm supposed to be going with this post. Except that as usual, my coffee was REALLY strong, so I feel like I have a super power right now and that super power is being able to type REALLY REALLY fast and also my brain is chugging along at that speed and all over the place. Were you to look inside my brain it looks like this:

If there were guys in my brain trying to keep the wires straight they would have to be paid a lot.
photo credit:

So really. Summer is here and for me that means my kid is out of school which means that on my days off (which fall on the weekdays) I could actually stay in my pajamas all day. If I wanted to, I could do that. Which is kind of lovely. Not that I do, but that I could. That I don't have to jump out of bed and get her ready for school and take her to school and pick her up and that I get to hang with her (when she is interested in hanging with me) and we get to be leisurely and we have beach trips in our future and who knows what else. So this to me seems like a time to try to that thing I was going to do before with us having more dinners together and her branching out and trying more foods like VEGETABLES and junk like that, for one thing.

And my house. Maybe this summer is when I will, little by little, get it organized.

And maybe this summer is when I get my heart in line with my head. My head knows what's up. I'm not brilliant or anything, but I'm not an idiot. But my heart is like, challenged. My heart, were it going to school, would not be in the college prep classes, let's just say. In many ways, I think due to my lack of experience when it comes to boys, the age of my heart is like 13. I want to pass a note to some guy in English class and then do that MASH game and see if I wind up with him and if we're gonna live in a mansion or a house and how many kids are we gonna have (though I'm totally kidding about that because this womb was closed for business like 7 years ago). Really, I'm in junior high when it comes to love and I'm not all smart and wise like my 43 years on this earth has made me when it comes to some other stuff.

But. I think I will get to that point. I will get to that wise space because I see glimmers of it. It's like a war between my 43 year old head and my 13 year old heart at times. Which is about as fun as it sounds.

And back to that Buddhist thing I left way back several paragraphs before. The deal is, here is THE THING. The thing that sorta sucks. And here is the way you RESPOND to THE THING. You can suffer, or you cannot suffer. That's your choice. And I was talking to these friends about hey, this is my choice. And there is something so empowering about knowing that I totally have a choice about how I want to respond to this situation or any situation. I know this, in my 43 year old head I hella know this. It doesn't mean it's easy, but I totally know that this is true.

So what was this post supposed to be about anyway? Oh yes, renewal. I'm digging the idea. In summer or whenever. Starting over. Starting again. Just because things are the way they are right now, it doesn't mean they are going to stay that way. I'm loving that idea.

Friday, June 14, 2013

The Post Where You Catch Me With All My Hormones Hanging Out, AKA I'll Blog Because I Don't Want To Do Any Housework Right Now

I'm an effed up bundle of hormonal messiness right now, folks. So what should I do? I should write it down and share it and then you guys can be all like praise the sweet eight pound six ounce baby Jesus of hormones, that girl is even more screwed up than I am.

I just turned forty-three. I think I look the same, but someone cranked the dial on my perimenopause. Like, if I'm an oven, I was set at 350, then my birthday hit and my body decided nah, let's crank that bitch up to 400.

Fuh realz.

Have you guys had a good cry yet today? I've sorta done some crying.

So here is this theme I've got going. There are a couple of people in my life who sort of exasperate me. Drain me, it feels, of all my superpowers. And on something of a continual basis for a period of time. I can't really be more specific than that, not that they will read this, but just, well, let's leave it at that.

So for this one person, well, the thing is that I know I need to let them go. Because you know how there is that Alcoholic's Anonymous credo (okay, duh, it's called the Serenity Prayer, I had to Google that s#$t):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference

Well, I get this. Except with this one person it seems to go like this:

I already know I can't change you or your choices,
So I would like you to take my heart out of my chest,
Then step on it,
Then step on it once more,
Then throw it in the garbage,
Then I'll get it out and put it back in,
Then we'll repeat the steps above,
And then, maybe then, I will get I cannot change this situation

Which, you gotta admit, is a pretty effed way to roll, right? Right. On the bright side, I think I get it now. Maybe. I'm like 99.9999999% sure I've fished the broken pieces of my heart out of the dumpster enough times to get that I'd rather keep it in my chest and not let this person have their way with it anymore.

So there's that.

And then there's this other person. Sigh. And there are just some people with whom you have to figure out how to exist. Peacefully and sanely. And it is taking way more energy than I wish I had to put out, but it might be getting better. And it might be so that I don't toss and turn at night worrying about this person and their place in my family's life. Which is good. I look for that glimmer of hope, that ray of light, and I hold onto it tight and work with it. And I give more of myself than this person could ever deserve. Because I'm kinda like well, sometimes, you gotta sorta help someone save themselves. I mean, you can't save them. But you have to put aside hurt feelings, and old wrongs, and be like okay, let's do this.

And it's exhausting.

Especially when your hormones are ALL effed up like mine are. 

So this is when I wish I had a crystal ball. So I can see how all of this stuff is gonna turn out. But you know, I don't. And no one does, damn it all to heck.

All I know is that I have (rerun coming, this is a total rerun) the best kid, family, and friends ever. And if I'm starting there, well then, I'm pretty much cooking with a bunch of effing gas, right? Right.

If you're at a crossroads and wondering which way to go and struggling with that decision or wondering if you should hold on or let go or weeding your life of people who could be replaced with people who look more like beautiful flowers than those effing weeds that get stuck in your socks or that your cat rolls around in and then you have to pick all those mothereffers off of him, just know you're not alone. I'm right there with you. And we have each other, so there's that.