The most recent episode on the Unspooled podcast had hosts Paul Scheer and film critic Amy Nicholson talking about one of my favorite movies, Groundhog Day. A timely post from six days ago, considering that at the time the actual Groundhog Day (today) was less than a week away (and by the way, apparently Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today so bundle up, y'all).
If you are unfamiliar with the movie Groundhog Day, Bill plays a weatherman who winds up having to live the same day (which happens to be on Groundhog Day, which he is spending in Punxsutawney, PA) over and over again until he gets it right (and I would tell you what "right" is but I don't want to spoil it for you in case you haven't seen it and if you haven't seen it I would suggest you go watch it right now, if you can find it, and apparently it is streaming on AMC all day today).
Later that day I was talking to my best friends on our text thread. May I take a moment to say how thankful I am to have my beautiful best friends and our ongoing thread where we talk about whatever it is that is delighting us or taxing us and everything in between? Beyond thankful. Anyway, it turned out that we were all feeling some kinda way. Like it wasn't that life was beating us up, it was just that life was sort of meh. And I said, girls, I feel like it's Groundhog Day every day for me. Like every day I am doing the same thing. And my friends were like YAAAAAAAASSSSS QUEEN except they didn't say it that way, that's the way I would have said it. And then one of my friends on the socials used Groundhog Day to describe her existence this past year. And I'm like wow, this is a thing. This is an actual real thing.
Don't get me wrong, some of the same things are totally fantastic and wonderful!! I love my job (sometimes I only like it and sometimes I do not like it all but luckily that is pretty rare) so I'm already way ahead of the game in life. On my days off I like to exercise, sometimes TWICE. I like to take a nap (naps are glorious and naps are life). I have a beautiful kid who sometimes comes out of her room to hang out with me. So what's the problem?
Well, obviously, the first problem is that THERE IS A PANDEMIC. There is a heaviness that all of us are carrying; you might not know anyone who has died or been sick (and the longer this goes on that becomes fewer of us), but you know that it is happening all over and that is a lot. That is a lot to have as our baseline, right? Even if we are lucky to have not had it touch us or a family member it is a fucking lot.
So where do I get off having this malaise? Having this major first-world issue of feeling like I am stuck, that I am just churning, that I am just going through the motions, in a way. In spite of having plenty of laughs and fun and feeling the love from my friends and family, what do I do about this lassitude I find permeating my sense of well-being???
(Did I even use the word lassitude correctly? I can't lie, it popped up when I was looking at synonyms for malaise. I like how it sounds and looks so I guess I'll keep it there.)
But how can I complain? It's because I'm human. I'm so incredibly human, with all of the weaknesses that word can carry with it. Sensitive, emotional, hormonal, just to name a few super human (not to be confused with superhuman) attributes I'd use to describe myself.
Here's what I have decided to do: Just one thing that is different.
One thing that is different than what I did the week before. Preferably one thing that moves me forward.
This blog post might count as this week's thing. Not sure that it moves me forward so much as it makes me use a different part of my brain, makes me tap into some creativity (pfft, I'm not calling myself creative by throwing all of this stuff out of my brain and onto the Interwebs, but you know what I mean) that I don't use in my every day life.
I have boxes in my garage. I have what I would call a fuckton of boxes. Way too many boxes, considering some of these items in boxes have been in boxes since a 2009 move. There might be school papers from college and grad school that have been in boxes since my 2004 move. This is problematic. This is most definitely a problem. But what if I unpack one box every week? If I keep doing that, I might find things I can give away or toss or bring into my house (WHERE THE HELL WILL I PUT IT THOUGH I ALREADY HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF), oooooooorrrrr I might find it's something that's meant to stay in a box for my kid to deal with when I go to that great box-filled garage in the sky (sorry, kid).
I might also pick a corner of my house that needs attention and even just give it thirty minutes.
Maybe I'll study up on that Spanish that learned thirty-something years ago in high school. The possibilities are endless.
Just one different thing to make me feel more alive and like I'm headed somewhere even if the somewhere is right here.
