Wednesday, May 14, 2014


That's me, right now. I'm a hamster in a wheel. I'm not even running, because I'm more like a fat and lazy hamster who's just walking on a wheel and not getting anywhere. I feel like THAT.

I get up, I go to work, or I get up and I take the kid to school. And a couple of days a week I'm lucky enough to have found (thanks to my sister-in-law) a Zumba class I love, so I go there. And then I sort of look around my house and get completely overwhelmed by the clutter. All the stuff I need to put somewhere else or toss or dust or reorganize. Mostly probably toss. Haven't I blogged about this before? Pretty sure I have. I think since that blog I even got some books or samples of books on my Kindle about how to de-clutter and whatnot but yeah. I haven't actually started reading those books. 

I'm supposed to go to Mom's house and start collecting things there. Things that I would like to keep, so I can bring them to my already cluttered house and find spaces for them. That don't currently exist. But meanwhile my brother and I are paying to maintain the house, which at least has long been paid off, but we won't shut off the cable all the way because neither one of us wants to be there when it's quiet (well, especially me, he's much more together than I am in general), and then there are the utilities and insurance and stuff like that. So you know, there's a financial incentive to not drag my feet and she passed away at the end of January and the end of May is fast approaching and I haven't done anything there yet.

Nothing at all.

me, pretty much
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I have been to the house since she passed away and the emptiness is completely and utterly and overwhelmingly stifling. And it's where we cared for her, at first after a surgery in October and then the last two weeks of her life, and it's where she died, so there are these memories... most of which are sad, hard, unpleasant, unfair, and awful. I mean, she was literally the most ridiculously positive and brave person I have ever seen in my life. I would not have handled my impending death with the grace or bravery or attitude that she did. But even those memories of bravery make me sad as fuck.

And I'm crying because I've also been accidentally off my meds for two days so that was dumb of me, right? Right.

So I fill my time with laundry. Because laundry is easy. I do just basic things like sweeping the floor or the dishes or sort of making the bed before we get into it. And Words With Friends. Thank goodness for word games. Target trips. Today I'm going to Whole Foods just because I've never shopped there and I want something different. Naps. I try to get those in on my weekend. Just stupid busy stuff that keeps my house sort of going but not going anywhere. Just motoring. Isn't that a line from that Sister Christian song? I need to go look that up... "You're motoring/ what's your price for flight/ In finding mister right/ You'll be alright tonight." What the hell does that even mean? I have no clue whatsoever.

Completely or not so completely off topic, I log into Blogger to write because I just feel like I need to write something, with zero clue what that something will be and I see a blurb about a blog I follow, Closet Cooking, and it's a recipe for Eggs Benedict with Bacon, Avodaise (Avocado Hollandaise), and Harissa and I'm like, that looks so disgusting...

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... but it also totally looks like something I'd eat since eggs and avocado are two of my favorite things and it's so creative. Like, I want to be creative. I want to cook creatively and write and have my house look different than it is, like make it look like there's more personality and less of just having it be this box where we throw all our stuff because I'm a slow walking hamster just putting on this show of functionality.

I mean truly, I don't feel so badly. I mean, I'm sad as all get out. Like, there's a corner of sadness in me that's just going to stay. That doesn't change, that's the hole where my mom used to be, no doubt. But I have that great kid and great friends and I go out and I do stuff and I have a great time and I laugh at stuff and I say funny things and I love my job, etc. So it's not all fake functionality. Like, I'm functional. But I need to be more so. I need to do what I need to do instead of just carrying it around like a dark cloud about to burst into a thunderstorm over my head at any minute. So I guess this post is a letter to me to fucking get it done so I can move on and if you have read this whole thing I just took you along on the ride with me, you poor sucker you. But I appreciate you being here because YOU'RE part of my process. You really are, so thanks for that.

So this hamster has written and has almost finished her coffee so I think I'll go get some endorphins exercise-ararily and see how the rest of the day goes. Maybe I'll get some harissa at Whole Foods, who knows.

1 comment:

Kimberly Gallagher-Wright said...

I read the whole thing..but I'm not a sucker. ;) "So I fill my time with laundry. Because laundry is easy." Yes, you wrote much more, and many other things hit home, and stuck as well...but this fucking resonates with me.

...So I fill my time with laundry. Because laundry is easy...A-fucking-men! It's all overwhelming...your mom passing, the house waiting there, the 'where the fuck am I going to put everything'...and yet, you are moving just doesn't feel like it. Functioning amidst pain, chaos and/or uncertainty is HUGE. Laundry is functioning, Zumba, Kids, Work, Blogging...all the highest order. You will get through it...all you can do is 1 step at a time, one day at a time (not an alcoholic, but it's truly a mantra that gets me through my days as of late)

Love you, beautiful!