Saturday, October 25, 2008

I Guess They're Famous Because...

Every time I see a picture of Paris Hilton, I think, "Why?" I know you're an heiress and your family has truckloads of money. So do other rich people, and I don't have to see them every time I open up a People or Us Weekly (if I'm at the nail salon without a book). Why must you take up any portion of any entertainment reports on Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood, or TMZ (how much do I love Harvey Levin, the guy who does the legal commentary for People's Court, when he is wearing a t-shirt and jeans and being all snarkily funny about celebrities? I am actually disturbed by how much I love him on this show).

Now, I know, this is all subjective. That is why this is my blog, so I can write whatever the heck I want about whatever the heck I want. This post is meant to be completely silly and frivolous, and you are not meant to remember it for one single second after you read it. It is meant to be like... well, like reading an Us Weekly while you get your nails done!

I mentioned this before, but I still don't understand why Ryan Seacrest is famous. I know he's the host of American Idol, and he's the E! News guy, but I told you before that if he becomes the permanent host of Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve I might have to boycott the holiday. But seriously, can someone tell me if they've heard him as a disc jockey and he was really, really, like totally awesomely super good? Because maybe that is why he deserves to be famous. Otherwise, the fact that they had him host the Emmy's last year, then co-host them (sort of, if you can call it that) this year makes absolutely no sense to me. On Idol (which in his defense, I do not watch very often), he just seems kind of weird and weaselly. Every once in a while he has some funny remark for Simon, but I guess what I'm questioning is why he is as famous as he is. Isn't there someone out there more talented than he is who should be where he is? Don't tell me - he was in the right place at the right time. Wow, lucky us.

I suppose I have a cornucopia of reality show "stars" whose fame I could question, but I would like to focus on one bunch of them - the cast of The Hills. Okay, here is where I really show my age. I don't understand what this show is. Is it a scripted show? Is it a reality show? I have never seen the show, just clips on The Soup. Is it on VH-1, MTV? The only reason I know it exists is because again, when I open up a the best magazine in the whole world, People (the subscription to which I cancelled because I decided it was too much of a luxury, so now my wonderful co-worker, Sarah, lets me read her hand-me-down copy), who do I see as soon as I start in with the "Star Tracks" (the first section of the magazine filled with pictures of celebrities, either posed at events or candid, like coming out of a Starbucks in West Hollywood cafe)? Lauren Conrad, and Heidi something and Spencer Pratt. Oh my gosh, I can't STAND these people. It annoys me to no end that I even know their names! I am so sorry if I am offending anyone, because if this is one of your guilty pleasure shows, more power to you, I have all kinds of stuff like that. I guess I just resent these people - the ones I just mentioned, for example, who seem to have zero talent - taking up space in these pictures instead of like, actual movie or TV stars or something. Oh, and Audrina Partridge - is she the other from The Hills? Yes, I don't want her in my magazine either.

Did I just get old? Is that the problem? I'm out of touch, I know this. I realize that since I tend to listen to talk radio or audio books when I'm driving, I next to never know about new songs or artists, unless one of my stepkids tells me about them, or maybe even a co-worker. Sometimes my husband, who while only four years older than me is mentally much, much, much older even turns me onto something new. And I know that the celebs who were all fresh and new when I was a teenager are now either all washed up, or in rehab, or they're busy raising kids or living a normal life. I mean, I do not expect to see a picture of C. Thomas Howell in the "Star Tracks" anytime soon. So I don't think it's that I don't want young people, I just don't want people who aren't famous for a good reason. Like, you know, they can act or they entertain us or something. So many times I think to myself, "What if that chick were a size 14? Would her picture be in the front of my (well, Sarah's) People every week?" And what is really funny about that is that I would KILL to be a size 14 again, while the people you see in these pictures or on Entertainment Tonight could fit into one side of a size-14 pair of pants with room to spare. So for me, that's not a good enough reason for me to consider you as famous, just because you look good.

And sure, models might fall into this category of "famous because they look good," but that is different. And there would be people who would be considered "personalities," maybe. Not really actors or musicians... and I can't think of anyone right now who falls into this category, but I can tell you right now that Heidi Spencer Lauren Audrina does not fall into this category, at least not for me. Did you know that if you Google Spencer Pratt you will get approximately 42,900,000 results? I hope you didn't know that because I hope you have not Googled him recently or ever. This is the kind of research I do for you, my dear readers. That number is so big I don't even know how to say it. If you Google me you will get 53 results. A few from this blog, a few from other things, but no where close to 42,900,000 results. So what does this Spencer character have that I don't? What is his "talent?" Seriously, someone tell me if they know! I am all ears.

I think I should clarify that in the great scheme of things, it doesn't matter what any celebrities are doing, or that the paparazzi caught a glimpse of George Clooney laying in the sun, all mustachioed for a role in his new movie, or that Ben took Violet to the pumpkin patch, or that Salma Hayek had her daughter, Valentina, with her on the set of 30 Rock while filming her guest appearance. But I'm sorry, I LOVE this kind of stuff. I like to see the stars glitzed and glammed up, or caught in some candid moment, or whatever, I really do. And I know other people could care less about that stuff (I can just imagine the look on my dad's face if I ran this last paragraph by him). But still, show me actual celebrities, not these youngsters whose only claim to fame is that they party at nightclubs and have perfect hair and complexions and bodies.

It occurs to me that this post makes me sound like a crotchety old lady, you know the one who yells at the kids who accidentally kick the ball into her yard. I hope I'm not that lady. I do have good news, though - the other night I finished two of Sarah's hand-me-down Peoples in one sitting and guess what? Not a single Heidi Spencer Lauren Audrina photo in "Star Tracks!" But I can't remember if they showed up in the rest of the magazine - I'm getting older and my memory's not what it used to be.

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