So I started a blog post this morning that I thought was going to be about Dave Grohl and how I'm attracted to random people and then I got both confused and bored so I scrapped it. Perhaps I will come back to it later when I can think of a way to make it interesting to me.
Logically, instead of talking about the most beautiful rock star of all time, I will go ahead and talk about God.
Real quick-like, because I'm really sleepy and it's just about naptime.
I would really like to believe in God. Like, you have no idea how much. But I just don't. And I'm kinda pissed about it. It's odd, because it pisses me off but at the same time I feel perfectly normal about it.
I totally used to believe in God. I don't know when I first heard about Him, exactly, but I know that when I had the chance to go to vacation bible school at a neighbor's house and when the red and white church bus came around to pick up kids from Hilltop Green to go to the First Baptist Church of El Sobrante (El Sob #1) my brother and I were like, totally "all aboard" and whatnot.
I think I went to Sunday school for about three years or so... I can't remember why I stopped going, exactly, I just know that I did.
I spent from the age of 13 or 14 until I was 23 believing in God and saying prayers every night. And then Polly Klaas was abducted and killed. And then that was the end for me.
In an instant, it was all gone. I decided that God had to be a complete and utter sham because if there were a God, stuff like this wouldn't happen.
Now, right off the bat, those of you who believe will tell me I have it all wrong and that it's completely illogical and that there are reasons and a plan, etc. And I'm not questioning that idea at all. If it helps you to make sense of things, I'm all for it, and I would never judge it. It just doesn't work for me.
I just got to a point where I decided it made much more sense to me that all of us being here is about science. Obviously, I'm no scientist and I do believe that there could be a God involved with all this science-y stuff, I just don't happen to believe this is the case. At this moment.
In spite of the fact that I stopped believing, I started attending the El Sobrante United Methodist Church in 2001. I loved it, the pastor and the music were great. I left after Pastor Gaye's sermons feeling like I wanted to be a better person. Which is awesome and what I think church is supposed to be about. I might still be attending had I not moved and wound up working weird hours and weekends, because obviously, there is something to get from church even if you don't believe in God.
Did I mention that I'm agnostic and not an athiest? I do not have near enough conviction to be an atheist because hey, there could be a God, and if there is, well great.
Can I be agnostic and still hope that somehow, when I die, I will still be able to say, watch over Kayla? I hope so, because I am and I do.
It's about faith. I don't have any, not in someone who is above us or around us who has supreme power but chooses to sit back and watch all of this. And by this, I mean "the world," the good and the bad. Because as we know, there has been some really bad shit that has happened and I don't blame a supreme being for that, either.
When good stuff happens, I believe it's because we made it happen or we were super flipping lucky. I love the idea of being "blessed," but I don't believe in it. I am one of the luckiest people in the world. Had things gone slightly different at certain times in my life, I would not be sitting on my ass blogging write now. I might be sitting on my ass behind a liquor store passing around a can of beer in a brown bag to my friends. Seriously, some people would say, "there but for the grace of God go I" when they see someone less fortunate. And I say, thank goodness I have been so lucky to be where I am surrounded by those I am lucky enough to have in my life.
For those of you who are so fulfilled by your relationship with God, this is me saying, that is awesome. I sometimes wish I understood that and I had it and I'm not kidding, it's true. But at the same time, I truly believe you can be happy and fulfilled and a good (mostly) person because it's what you want to do and who you are. So don't feel badly for me because I don't have what you have. I'm just sharing what it looks like over here.
At the end of the day it's all about being nice to each other, no matter what your reason for doing that is. Whether you want to be like God or like Jesus or like Ganhdi or like Martin Luther King, Jr. or like your mom; whomever or whatever it is that inspires you to be a good person is a good thing.