Friday, June 14, 2013

The Post Where You Catch Me With All My Hormones Hanging Out, AKA I'll Blog Because I Don't Want To Do Any Housework Right Now

I'm an effed up bundle of hormonal messiness right now, folks. So what should I do? I should write it down and share it and then you guys can be all like praise the sweet eight pound six ounce baby Jesus of hormones, that girl is even more screwed up than I am.

I just turned forty-three. I think I look the same, but someone cranked the dial on my perimenopause. Like, if I'm an oven, I was set at 350, then my birthday hit and my body decided nah, let's crank that bitch up to 400.

Fuh realz.

Have you guys had a good cry yet today? I've sorta done some crying.

So here is this theme I've got going. There are a couple of people in my life who sort of exasperate me. Drain me, it feels, of all my superpowers. And on something of a continual basis for a period of time. I can't really be more specific than that, not that they will read this, but just, well, let's leave it at that.

So for this one person, well, the thing is that I know I need to let them go. Because you know how there is that Alcoholic's Anonymous credo (okay, duh, it's called the Serenity Prayer, I had to Google that s#$t):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference

Well, I get this. Except with this one person it seems to go like this:

I already know I can't change you or your choices,
So I would like you to take my heart out of my chest,
Then step on it,
Then step on it once more,
Then throw it in the garbage,
Then I'll get it out and put it back in,
Then we'll repeat the steps above,
And then, maybe then, I will get I cannot change this situation

Which, you gotta admit, is a pretty effed way to roll, right? Right. On the bright side, I think I get it now. Maybe. I'm like 99.9999999% sure I've fished the broken pieces of my heart out of the dumpster enough times to get that I'd rather keep it in my chest and not let this person have their way with it anymore.

So there's that.

And then there's this other person. Sigh. And there are just some people with whom you have to figure out how to exist. Peacefully and sanely. And it is taking way more energy than I wish I had to put out, but it might be getting better. And it might be so that I don't toss and turn at night worrying about this person and their place in my family's life. Which is good. I look for that glimmer of hope, that ray of light, and I hold onto it tight and work with it. And I give more of myself than this person could ever deserve. Because I'm kinda like well, sometimes, you gotta sorta help someone save themselves. I mean, you can't save them. But you have to put aside hurt feelings, and old wrongs, and be like okay, let's do this.

And it's exhausting.

Especially when your hormones are ALL effed up like mine are. 

So this is when I wish I had a crystal ball. So I can see how all of this stuff is gonna turn out. But you know, I don't. And no one does, damn it all to heck.

All I know is that I have (rerun coming, this is a total rerun) the best kid, family, and friends ever. And if I'm starting there, well then, I'm pretty much cooking with a bunch of effing gas, right? Right.

If you're at a crossroads and wondering which way to go and struggling with that decision or wondering if you should hold on or let go or weeding your life of people who could be replaced with people who look more like beautiful flowers than those effing weeds that get stuck in your socks or that your cat rolls around in and then you have to pick all those mothereffers off of him, just know you're not alone. I'm right there with you. And we have each other, so there's that.

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