Restless and unsettled. With this one thing I have going on in my life. Remember last time I was all like, there are these two things that are like, weighing me down right now? Well, I still have the same two things and I'm working on one and with regard to the other one, I'm restless.
Unfinished, lacking closure. And it's one of those things where I have the power to close it down myself. And yet I resist. Which makes me crazy. As in, I'm crazy that I don't shut it down and walk away, and it makes me crazy that I feel I can't.
I was just talking to some friends about my most favorite Buddhist concept, and believe me, I don't know many of them, even though I have the Buddhism for Dummies book in my bathroom. I tend to just read the same little section over and over again.
Side note: I love Ingrid Michaelson, like so much. I'm listening to her on Spotify right now and I. Just. Love. Her. Everybody is one of my favorite albums ever. Also August and Everything After by Counting Crows. I recently came across the TAPE and have that in my car. I have the CD, but it might be in the CD holder thingy I have wedged in a corner and can't even access because my love seat is in the way.
And can I take this moment to mention that my house is out of control. I mean, so far out of control. I was just talking about mental fortitude this morning, and the lack thereof when it came to someone I know. Do you want to know who lacks mental fortitude? I do, when it comes to keeping this house organized and tidy and clutter-free. Audible sigh. This morning before I even sat down with my coffee I started sorting some stuff on my table and I was like hey, here's an idea. Like, tackle one little thing. Then go back to doing what I do best, chilling. I'm so good at chilling. Then do another little part. And then more chilling. Instead of doing NOTHING, and like, chilling the whole time. What a concept.
Oh, so that's kind of where I'm supposed to be going with this post. Except that as usual, my coffee was REALLY strong, so I feel like I have a super power right now and that super power is being able to type REALLY REALLY fast and also my brain is chugging along at that speed and all over the place. Were you to look inside my brain it looks like this:
If there were guys in my brain trying to keep the wires straight they would have to be paid a lot.
photo credit: www.technologytell.com
So really. Summer is here and for me that means my kid is out of school which means that on my days off (which fall on the weekdays) I could actually stay in my pajamas all day. If I wanted to, I could do that. Which is kind of lovely. Not that I do, but that I could. That I don't have to jump out of bed and get her ready for school and take her to school and pick her up and that I get to hang with her (when she is interested in hanging with me) and we get to be leisurely and we have beach trips in our future and who knows what else. So this to me seems like a time to try to that thing I was going to do before with us having more dinners together and her branching out and trying more foods like VEGETABLES and junk like that, for one thing.
And my house. Maybe this summer is when I will, little by little, get it organized.
And maybe this summer is when I get my heart in line with my head. My head knows what's up. I'm not brilliant or anything, but I'm not an idiot. But my heart is like, challenged. My heart, were it going to school, would not be in the college prep classes, let's just say. In many ways, I think due to my lack of experience when it comes to boys, the age of my heart is like 13. I want to pass a note to some guy in English class and then do that MASH game and see if I wind up with him and if we're gonna live in a mansion or a house and how many kids are we gonna have (though I'm totally kidding about that because this womb was closed for business like 7 years ago). Really, I'm in junior high when it comes to love and I'm not all smart and wise like my 43 years on this earth has made me when it comes to some other stuff.
But. I think I will get to that point. I will get to that wise space because I see glimmers of it. It's like a war between my 43 year old head and my 13 year old heart at times. Which is about as fun as it sounds.
And back to that Buddhist thing I left way back several paragraphs before. The deal is, here is THE THING. The thing that sorta sucks. And here is the way you RESPOND to THE THING. You can suffer, or you cannot suffer. That's your choice. And I was talking to these friends about hey, this is my choice. And there is something so empowering about knowing that I totally have a choice about how I want to respond to this situation or any situation. I know this, in my 43 year old head I hella know this. It doesn't mean it's easy, but I totally know that this is true.
So what was this post supposed to be about anyway? Oh yes, renewal. I'm digging the idea. In summer or whenever. Starting over. Starting again. Just because things are the way they are right now, it doesn't mean they are going to stay that way. I'm loving that idea.