I'M CHUCK NORRIS!

My new mantra, only known by two of my co-workers and now you guys, is (please imagine a drumroll):

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!!!

If you're feeling crazy you can add "mothereffers" or "beyotches" to the end.

I am not actually Chuck Norris and you guys know I'm not a Chuck Norris fan. I like the idea of Chuck Norris as a character who is a total badass with a beard that could kick your ass.

 



photo credit: cheezburger.com

 

So this is what I'm using as an empowering mantra. Because let me tell you guys. I have felt as of late that the world is bending me over and giving me a good f#$king spanking. Sorta. Kinda. So my respons to the world is:

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!!!

I know all the words to the Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, I think I have told you guys that before. Pretty sure I have only seen the show once. It was pretty awful.

I love that Chuck Norris book, The Truth About Chuck Norris:400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human. It's in my bathroom.

I am mostly soft like a marshmallow. And squishy. And full of emotions. And I cry at the drop of a hat. And, well, this is me. But I am finding it necessary to stay in Chuck mode right now because I fear if I don't, I will be in curled up in the fetal position mode. And while I believe wholeheartedly in the idea that we must feel what we feel, we must grieve when we need to grieve, we must accept and process our feelings, I also believe in faking it until you are making it as a coping skill.

I'm coping. And I still cry. And also, I'M CHUCK NORRIS!

Please, please, please use my mantra if you need it. Spread it around. Let's just Chuck it up out there.

Creepy Ginormous Spiders and Donating Blood and Organs, Which Have Nothing to Do With Each Other

So the spider that was crawling on my bedroom wall this morning looked a little bit like this guy. In the past four years I have lived where I live with an open field behind me, I have seen like 6 or 7 of these in my house. I don't know if it's a grass or wolf spider but both are to be found in Northern California. I went wolf because this one most looks like my friend this morning. 

Genus Creepus McCreepersoneris

photo credit: www.bugs.com

To emphasize, I did not know that spiders this big ever showed up in houses until 4 years ago. I'm almost 43. The first time I saw one I think I pissed myself and had a small heart attack. I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, I want to know how much good spider karma I get because I caught him using the Red Solo cup/paper plate method and set him free in my backyard. So that possibly, his bleeping furry scary ass will just crawl back into my house.

the actual Red Solo cup and Dixie paper plate used this morning

Also earlier this week I awoke with what I am pretty sure is a spider bite on the side of my face. I am going to assume there was nothing as big as this guy on my face as that will give me a large heart attack. But even though one of his brethren bit me I still saved this sucker's life.

It occurs to me right now that I killed a spider on my dining room wall last night. He was much smaller than this guy. So maybe all I've done was cancel out that karma. I am truly in Spiderville, USA. And I see spiders all the time that I just let be. So hopefully it all balances out somehow.

Well, I know how I DID earn some good karma yesterday, I donated blood! I am not sure if I have talked about this before but what a super easy way for a lazy person to contribute to the world. Go somewhere and lay down and let them stick a needle in you and take some of your spare blood. And THEN your lazy ass might just save a life! Like, for serious!!!!

I have a blood donation center about 22 minutes away from me (no, it's not 20 minutes and it's not 25, it really is like 22 minutes away with no traffic), so it's easy for me to just make an appointment (you can do it online) and show up and yesterday I discovered that practically across the street is a delicious spot for burritos so that just like, made this an even more rewarding enterprise for me. 

I did the double donation, but I can do that because I'm large. Seriously, you have to be like at least 5'5' or 5'6" if you're a woman and weigh at least 175 lbs. Super check and major check on those. So that one takes longer but I only go 3 times a year because I do that. And it makes you a little tired and junk if you do that (well, at least it makes me a little tired, which is supposed to be normal), but it's totally worth it. But obviously doing regular donation is OUTSTANDING. Like, seriously, it's so easy. The longest part is just the set-up because they have to ask you the questions and make sure your blood is fit to give and stuff because they don't want junk ass blood.

But seriously, please consider doing this. And then you get to have all the free juice and cookies you want! I mean, if you took the basket of cookies off the table and dumped it into your purse they would probably not really like that, but you know what I mean. 

Look how happy this guy is, all thumbs-upping and whatnot. Get some of that.

photo credit: www.redcross.org

Check out all the info here.

You will seriously walk out of there feeling like a badass and a hero and junk. Seriously. One time they gave me a t-shirt! But t-shirt or not, I like that I might have helped save a life. Because really, when else am I gonna get a chance to do that? Like, never.


And oooooooooo, I almost forgot to tell you, they be LOVIN' my blood because I'm half African-American, and apparently since sickle cell is often associated with black folks and there is an increased chance of blood transfusions working when the blood is genetically similar, there is always a huge need for black folks to give up some of the red. You can read about that stuff here. Also you might find out you have a blood type that is sort of rare (I do) and then that makes them even that more super excited to see you when you show up!

While we're on the topic of saving lives, here is my PSA for donating organs. DO IT. I don't know about you, but I'm not using mine when I expire. If I have not destroyed them all with fatty foods and drunken debauchery they can have them, seriously. I don't really have to explain how amazing it would be if you saved like 5 lives if you kicked the bucket, do I? I mean look, no one wants to talk about kicking the bucket.  Because it really sucks. Were it up to me, I would live forever, continuously boring you with the randomness in my head via this blog. But it ain't fixin' to go down like that so you know, let them take the stuff they can use!! 

You can learn about all about saving lives and organ donation here.

Okay. I told you guys about my spider and blood and organs. My work here is done. Back to coffee and doing a lot of nothing. I hope you all are having a great week and collecting a bunch of good karma!

All Kinds of Random A#$ S$%t Outta My Brain

This is the fear, this is the dread, these are the contents of my head (well, it's not all fear and dread, I just wanted to use the lyrics from this song):

Knowing when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, and when to run is a good thing. Yes. Everything Kenny Rogers ever taught us in The Gambler, back in the olden days before he got plastic surgery. That chorus is pure life lesson GOLD.

Also, seriously, go watch the video and see how studly Kenny was back in the day.

I'm trying to eat more slowly and pay attention to what I'm eating, thanks to my mindful eating group which is THE BUSINESS. As in, it's so good. As in, it's the s#$t.

You can't have an argument that goes like this:

Me: But it's orange!
Them: It's the number four!
Me: I'm trying to tell you, it's orange!
Them: You're crazy. That's the number four.

Because it's one of those deals where no one can hear anyone because they're stuck on four and orange. (See first thing about walking away, à la  Kenny. I don't know how to make an accent over a letter so I had to go copy and paste that because I'm lame. Shouldn't someone who calls themselves a blogger know how to do that? I think so.)

I need to be nicer. I can't go around thinking I'm a nice person and then not act like one. Even when I'm just trying to be funny. Sometimes I'm not nice and that sucks.

It's hella nice to be nice!

photo credit: books.simonandschuster.com

I need to write more. That's something I know all the time and I can't say it enough.

I'm this close to giving up The Real Housewives of Orange County because I'm not sure the fact that I like Heather, Gretchen, and Heather's husband is enough of a reason to devote forty-two minutes each week to that show. I mean, yes, I do heart O(ther)P(eople's)D(rama), but sheesh. I'm not caught up right now but that dinner party at Tamra's new gym? What a train wreck. 

I'm about to eighty-six my cable. I threaten this all the time. But seriously. Like, maybe just keep my basic cable. I don't even know about the damn DVR anymore. It's like that with me and paying that bleeping cable bill at this juncture. I think the amount of cable I currently have should only be allowed if I have a sugar daddy or a husband and neither of these gentlemen are on the horizon.

We had a lice thing at our house. The kid caught a few nits from a friend at school. It could have been SO MUCH WORSE. We seriously lucked out because she has a shit ton of hair. What I found out is that tea tree oil, when you mix a few drops in with your shampoo, can supposedly help keep those motherfuckers away, but also tea tree oil smells like something you would use to strip paint off of walls. Just saying.

This is some strong stuff that is supposedly good for a whole bunch of stuff, Google that shit.

photo credit: blondeponytail.com

Coffee is really good. It's like, so good. I would want to break stuff if I could not have it in the morning.

Maybe this is the weekend I will REALLY clean my house. I mean, it could happen. Granted, it's 10:09 a.m. and I'm still at the computer working on my second cup of coffee and after this it's TV and exercise but yes, sure, it could happen. I might get infused with a crazy insane bolt of energy that has me flying about the place actually cleaning and not just moving stuff from one spot to another. It could happen. It also might not happen.

One of my Facebook friends just posted something about body weight exercises today. I think I'm going to see if I can do a plank. Because I'm not sure I have tried except as part of a yoga routine once, sorta, maybe. Here is Brooke Burke doing some planking, and then she gets all crazy and starts flipping around and junk and I'm like come on, let's not get crazy, but thanks for the suggestion. I have some friends doing a squat challenge and I have done a whole buttload of those recently. I love squats, that's good shit right there. And you can totally bust those out at work. Like get up, take a break, do a set of 10. Repeat later. You're welcome for the advice on getting your booty nicer on the job.

photo credit: www.wonderhowto.com

I am rocking out to Offspring on Spotify right now. This is seriously one of my most favorite songs of ever. Yup, banging my head like a boss right now. That bass line is ridiculous.

I can't believe it's May. WTF happened to April? Also in my neck of the woods it has been way to hot for May so thank goodness that weather trend is on the way out the door because it was just stupid.

Still severely lacking a budget. Sigh.

Oh yes. I need to clean my fridge, too. Damn, why don't I go crazy and actually clean off the TOP of the fridge, too? Sheesh. I just might.

I love love. Just in general.

I love to sing and I've been trying to sing more and play around with this movie making program on the computer because it's fun. Stuff like that keeps me off the street.

Having the ability to not worry about stuff that has yet to happen, at least not all the time, is a gift. I am thankful to being older, wiser, and slightly medicated.

I am very thankful to the person who decided you should take berries and freeze them and sell them. This makes me hella more likely to eat fruit instead of the thing I do where I buy fruit and let it go bad. Now to work on ways to get more of it into my kid. Yes, same old story there, gotta have her eating healthier. Period.

I recently watched Superbad. I can't believe it took me so long to watch it. One of the funniest movies ever. Granted, sometimes I think I have the sense of humor of a high school boy so you know, don't go by me. But seriously. So funny. McLovin. Oh how I love him. Check this out. Also Jonah Hill is so delightfully manic in this movie. It is funny, raunchy, outrageous, and also sweet and genuine. Cannot recommend it enough.

photo credit: boomstickcomics.com

So that's my brain. It's empty now. Thanks for letting me dump it. I'll go put some more stuff in it and check you guys soon.