Thursday, September 20, 2012

You're Doing It Wrong!

So the other day my BMSF (Beer Mayonnaise Sister Friend), Jean (who I'm supposed to be calling Jeannie, but I'll work on that), posted this picture on Facebook which she captioned "Hey asshole on the scooter - you're doing it wrong."

Asshole parking his (why it gotta be a guy, the men are asking) scooter wrong

Jean rides a scooter, so she knows what's she is talking about. Meanwhile, I would have no clue that this guy was doing it wrong.

So I was like, "you're doing it wrong," I love that and it's from a movie and I've said it a million times and I totally blanked on the movie from whence it came. Thank goodness for the Internet, that place where you can find like, EVERYTHING. Well, almost everything. It's a quote from Mr. Mom, a classic from 1983, that I am pretty sure I watched eight million times back in the day when it was on cable. If you have never seen this movie I will ask you, why, what is wrong with you? And then tell you to watch it because it is great. It also has one of my other favorite movie lines, "You fed the baby CHILI?! You crazy? You don't feed a baby CHILI!!" You'd be surprised how often you can use that, even if there is no chili involved. But today we are focused on that great line, "you're doing it wrong." For your viewing pleasure, here is a clip:

"You're doing it wrong."

The conversation with Jack and his kid and Annette the crossing guard lady, it's like my daily conversation with the parts of me that actually want to lose weight and be all healthy. I feel sorry for them having to talk to me, as I am constantly doing it wrong. Because I do know how to do it. I just do it wrong. A lot. I will riff on the dialogue and show you how this goes:

"You're Doing It Wrong," a short skit that takes place inside the confusing jumble of overgrown weeds known as "Jen's Brain," featuring three characters, Jen, Healthier Jen, Thinner Jen, and Fed-Up Jen, who we will call J, HJ, TJ, F-UJ, since the author is lazy. (Tee hee, I said "F-U.")

TJ: Jen, you ate that whole burrito that was as big as your head.
J: Ate what, I don't know what you're talking about.
TJ: But this isn't the way fit and trim folks roll.
J: I'm doing it the Jen Moore-Skallerud method.
(J feels the bloated awfulness that always comes after a ridiculous amount of over-indulging.)
J: What is this god-awful feeling? Ugh, my gut. This is nuts. Why do I feel like CRAP????
J: Don't tell me I'm doing it wrong, I know how to do this.
(HJ walks into J's brain.)
HJ: Hi Jen, I'm Healthy Jen.
J: Hi.
HJ: You're doing it wrong.
HJ: This is what I tell all the people who are trying to be less fat and more healthy. We eat less, and we exercise more. And then we repeat. That way we don't feel like such crap and we get to wear cuter clothes and maybe even stick around longer to drive our kids crazy.
(J nods, taking it in.)
HJ: Okay, move it out, and remember, eat less, exercise more!
J: Eat less, exercise more, okay, that's a good system.

Yes, it really is a good system! And when I do it, it really works. But I just keep doing it wrong for reasons that seem right at the time. No, not really. Not even at the time I'm eating a burrito the size of my head. But at the time, I'm like Jack Butler, and I'm like screw it, we'll do it my way. And I think the Jen Moore-Skallerud Method has been like the Control Data Institute commercial from back in the day, when the dude is saying he will start trying to find a career... tomorrow... tomorrow... tomorrow... and it like echoes? I think that is what goes on with me. Probably that guy was thinking, "Today I'm gonna watch daytime TV and get stoned, TOMORROW I'm gonna apply at Control Data Institute and get started on my path to a CAREER!" And I'm thinking today I'll eat EVERYTHING, and then tomorrow, not so much.

And those of you who know me or have read the many posts I've done about the same thing know that I have "issues," like being a compulsive over-eater and an emotional eater and junk like that, and yes, I've got some super sad stuff going on, stuff that makes me all, "if this is my last day on Earth I wanna live it up, yo!" Which.... is good way to be, but not if NOT taking off some of this weight makes me sad on top of that sadness, right?

So... how is today going to go? Maybe better than yesterday since I wrote this. Here's to doing it less wrong today.

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