I Was Trying to Write This One Post About Serious S#$t But It Was Too Hard So I'm Writing This Instead

Seriously, be nice to each other.

photo credit: www.bellabud.com

Be nice to as many people as is humanly possible.

photo credit: socialbap.com

I'm not saying if someone is a total douche you need to be nice to them, fuck that guy.

I'm just saying, look for some compassion. Dig down deep for some empathy. If it's not in there or you don't know what these things mean, look them up in a dictionary and then try them on for size and see how much better you feel.

Sharing things that are good and positive will make you feel that way. Sharing things that are negative and hateful will make you feel that way.

I have what will be a news flash for some people: History did not start the day you were born. Acting like current events only reflect life in the United States or the world as it is CURRENTLY is ludicrous. 

There are some super shitty people in the world. I choose to believe that there are more of us who are good and trying to be kind and generally mind our own business, just sometimes we're not as loud as the other ones.

Stop missing the point. For the love of all that is good and holy, please don't try to comment on how jacked up this news story about oranges is by sharing a news story about apples. Because fuck. Me. Seriously. If you can't reason and connect the dots and formulate an opinion based on what is being presented I don't want to fucking hear it. So that's me not being nice. But seriously. Try to get the point. That would be awesome.

Get a mirror. Look into it. See what you are putting out into the world. This is what you're going to get back. So if you don't like what you see, change something. Try to fix it.

photo credit: www.parisapartment.wordpress.com

I know the people who should see this won't. But I feel a little bit better for having said it.

I seriously hope that all of you have an awesome day and get to laugh and smile a bunch because that is the business right there.

It's Hard to Not Take Things Personally When People Are F$%king Jerks To You

It really is.

Because if someone is being a jerk to you, even if you know they're a jerk of the highest order, then you're still going to be like, "What am I doing that is making them a be a jerk? Why are they being a jerk to ME?"

Which, in all honesty, is a good question. You want to first make sure that YOU'RE not being a jerk. I mean, even if you're not a jerk, it's a totally good idea to check yourself and make sure you haven't made some sort of jerk move that is inciting beef jerkiness in the other person.

Once you've assessed your jerk level and find that your setting is zero, or even like, a negative number on the scale, then you're back to wondering why is this person jerking out all over ME?

Well. The answer is, sometimes people are jerks. Just like, to almost everyone. And even if they're not being a jerk to everyone, and they are hardcore jerked up when it comes to you, it STILL doesn't mean it's you.

Famous Jerk: Justin Bieber

photo credit: www.therichest.org

Whew. What a relief, right? Now you can just go on about your business with a big smile on your face and it's all good in the 'hood and birds are chirping and the sun is shining and all that business, right?

WRONG!

Well, that is how it should be. But getting there is a sonofabitch. Like, I'm sorry. I'm finding that part hard.

Before I go on, let me be clear about something. For the purposes of this post I'm talking about people with whom you are forced to deal; they work with you and you love your job or they're like in your family or some s$%t like that. Because if you know a jerk and you are NOT forced to deal with them, then you can just tell them to go f$%k themselves and call it a day. So I'm just talking about situations where the lovely phrase, "Go f$%k yourself" is not an option.

Karate Kid Jerk: Billy Zabka

photo credit: entertainment.blogs.

Once you figure out that this person is just a jerk and possibly going to always be that way, then there should be this process of letting go. Oh, and I forgot, let's rule out this idea that you can fix their jerkiness, or save them from a life of jerky pot pie. Let's say you've even tried to help them see the light and get on the path to leading a jerk-free life and that just didn't work. Hey, you tried. And it was probably stupid of you to try because especially when we're dealing with grown ass folks, they're probably already set personality-ararily. I mean, aside from a soap opera style deal where they fall off a bridge and survive but have amnesia and wake up with a totally different personality, probably nothing is going to change. So just like, let that dream go. They're not gonna change. So who has to change? YOU HAVE TO CHANGE.

And that's the hard part. You have to change how you react to these jerks in your life.

It's that Buddhist thing all over again, wasn't I just talking about that not long ago? That whole idea of suffering and how it is not the THING, it's how YOU react to the thing? Yes, it's THAT.

But it doesn't mean it's easy. That's what I'm saying. And that's why I'm writing this. Because telling you guys it should be like that will remind me that it should be like that and then what do you know, I just wrote myself into some more peace. WOO HOO!!!

So how you get to that spot of changing how you react, that's going to vary. I'm obviously no expert when it comes to that part. I do find that for me, writing helps. Writing down all the things that you can't say because it's futile is a great way to vent. Talking to your friends, the ones who are NOT jerks, about the Jerkface Jerry in your life, that helps. But not too much, because then we are giving that guy time in our lives, time better spent hugging and loving on people and frolicking and feeling peace and chilling and SMILING.

Back to the Future Jerk: Biff Tannen

photo credit: www.news.com.au

Because see, we have the ability to smile a whole bunch. While Jimmy Jerkface III probably is not smiling so much. And never will. And all the time we spend not smiling on account of that guy is a waste of smile time!!!

Because dude's a jerk. And jerks pretty much do not change their jerk stripes. And if you're a person who is hopeful about humans the way I am, that one is HARD. That is a bitter pill to swallow. But the good news is that once you get that and decide that you don't have to let these people affect you, then you'e cooking with gas.

Superman II Jerk: General Zod

photo credit: filmfanatic.org

Don't get me wrong. I'm not like Shifu from Kung Fu Panda and all master-level with my jerk force field impervious to dings and stuff. Like, no way. I'm still going to even CRY sometimes because I'm not only human, I'm a human girl and I'm all sensitive and stuff and don't forget I'm chock full of hormones like a mothereffer. But I'm going to try, because damn it, I LIKE TO SMILE!

I also don't think it makes you a bad person if you believe in karma. That whole we reap what we sow thing.

Yes, that. It's okay to think that. As long as you're smiling when you do.

Go frolic! And eff those jerks!

I Know It's Supposed to be Spring But I'm Liking Summer as a Time for Renewal, AKA Yet Another Post About Wanting to Make Changes I Guess

Kids, it's one of those days where I'm not really sure I have anything to write, and yet I'm compelled to write anyway. I already drank my two cups of coffee, so now is the time I'm supposed to get up and put on my shoes and get on the treadmill and watch some TV (which right now would be Scandal on HuluPlus which I need to hurry up and finish because I refuse to pay for anymore than one month of the HuluPlus I got just so I could finish season two of this show and be ready for season three this fall). So am I stalling? Well, that is sort of my M.O. But I'm also restless, on the inside. And I feel like I need to write some stuff down to feel less so. 

Restless and unsettled. With this one thing I have going on in my life. Remember last time I was all like, there are these two things that are like, weighing me down right now? Well, I still have the same two things and I'm working on one and with regard to the other one, I'm restless.

Unfinished, lacking closure. And it's one of those things where I have the power to close it down myself. And yet I resist. Which makes me crazy. As in, I'm crazy that I don't shut it down and walk away, and it makes me crazy that I feel I can't.

I was just talking to some friends about my most favorite Buddhist concept, and believe me, I don't know many of them, even though I have the Buddhism for Dummies book in my bathroom. I tend to just read the same little section over and over again.

Side note: I love Ingrid Michaelson, like so much. I'm listening to her on Spotify right now and I. Just. Love. Her. Everybody is one of my favorite albums ever. Also August and Everything After by Counting Crows. I recently came across the TAPE and have that in my car. I have the CD, but it might be in the CD holder thingy I have wedged in a corner and can't even access because my love seat is in the way.

And can I take this moment to mention that my house is out of control. I mean, so far out of control. I was just talking about mental fortitude this morning, and the lack thereof when it came to someone I know. Do you want to know who lacks mental fortitude? I do, when it comes to keeping this house organized and tidy and clutter-free. Audible sigh. This morning before I even sat down with my coffee I started sorting some stuff on my table and I was like hey, here's an idea. Like, tackle one little thing. Then go back to doing what I do best, chilling. I'm so good at chilling. Then do another little part. And then more chilling. Instead of doing NOTHING, and like, chilling the whole time. What a concept.

Oh, so that's kind of where I'm supposed to be going with this post. Except that as usual, my coffee was REALLY strong, so I feel like I have a super power right now and that super power is being able to type REALLY REALLY fast and also my brain is chugging along at that speed and all over the place. Were you to look inside my brain it looks like this:

If there were guys in my brain trying to keep the wires straight they would have to be paid a lot.

photo credit: www.technologytell.com

So really. Summer is here and for me that means my kid is out of school which means that on my days off (which fall on the weekdays) I could actually stay in my pajamas all day. If I wanted to, I could do that. Which is kind of lovely. Not that I do, but that I could. That I don't have to jump out of bed and get her ready for school and take her to school and pick her up and that I get to hang with her (when she is interested in hanging with me) and we get to be leisurely and we have beach trips in our future and who knows what else. So this to me seems like a time to try to that thing I was going to do before with us having more dinners together and her branching out and trying more foods like VEGETABLES and junk like that, for one thing.

And my house. Maybe this summer is when I will, little by little, get it organized.

And maybe this summer is when I get my heart in line with my head. My head knows what's up. I'm not brilliant or anything, but I'm not an idiot. But my heart is like, challenged. My heart, were it going to school, would not be in the college prep classes, let's just say. In many ways, I think due to my lack of experience when it comes to boys, the age of my heart is like 13. I want to pass a note to some guy in English class and then do that MASH game and see if I wind up with him and if we're gonna live in a mansion or a house and how many kids are we gonna have (though I'm totally kidding about that because this womb was closed for business like 7 years ago). Really, I'm in junior high when it comes to love and I'm not all smart and wise like my 43 years on this earth has made me when it comes to some other stuff.

But. I think I will get to that point. I will get to that wise space because I see glimmers of it. It's like a war between my 43 year old head and my 13 year old heart at times. Which is about as fun as it sounds.

And back to that Buddhist thing I left way back several paragraphs before. The deal is, here is THE THING. The thing that sorta sucks. And here is the way you RESPOND to THE THING. You can suffer, or you cannot suffer. That's your choice. And I was talking to these friends about hey, this is my choice. And there is something so empowering about knowing that I totally have a choice about how I want to respond to this situation or any situation. I know this, in my 43 year old head I hella know this. It doesn't mean it's easy, but I totally know that this is true.

So what was this post supposed to be about anyway? Oh yes, renewal. I'm digging the idea. In summer or whenever. Starting over. Starting again. Just because things are the way they are right now, it doesn't mean they are going to stay that way. I'm loving that idea.

The Post Where You Catch Me With All My Hormones Hanging Out, AKA I'll Blog Because I Don't Want To Do Any Housework Right Now

I'm an effed up bundle of hormonal messiness right now, folks. So what should I do? I should write it down and share it and then you guys can be all like praise the sweet eight pound six ounce baby Jesus of hormones, that girl is even more screwed up than I am.

I just turned forty-three. I think I look the same, but someone cranked the dial on my perimenopause. Like, if I'm an oven, I was set at 350, then my birthday hit and my body decided nah, let's crank that bitch up to 400.

Fuh realz.

Have you guys had a good cry yet today? I've sorta done some crying.

So here is this theme I've got going. There are a couple of people in my life who sort of exasperate me. Drain me, it feels, of all my superpowers. And on something of a continual basis for a period of time. I can't really be more specific than that, not that they will read this, but just, well, let's leave it at that.

So for this one person, well, the thing is that I know I need to let them go. Because you know how there is that Alcoholic's Anonymous credo (okay, duh, it's called the Serenity Prayer, I had to Google that s#$t):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference

Well, I get this. Except with this one person it seems to go like this:

I already know I can't change you or your choices,
So I would like you to take my heart out of my chest,
Then step on it,
Then step on it once more,
Then throw it in the garbage,
Then I'll get it out and put it back in,
Then we'll repeat the steps above,
And then, maybe then, I will get I cannot change this situation

Which, you gotta admit, is a pretty effed way to roll, right? Right. On the bright side, I think I get it now. Maybe. I'm like 99.9999999% sure I've fished the broken pieces of my heart out of the dumpster enough times to get that I'd rather keep it in my chest and not let this person have their way with it anymore.

So there's that.

And then there's this other person. Sigh. And there are just some people with whom you have to figure out how to exist. Peacefully and sanely. And it is taking way more energy than I wish I had to put out, but it might be getting better. And it might be so that I don't toss and turn at night worrying about this person and their place in my family's life. Which is good. I look for that glimmer of hope, that ray of light, and I hold onto it tight and work with it. And I give more of myself than this person could ever deserve. Because I'm kinda like well, sometimes, you gotta sorta help someone save themselves. I mean, you can't save them. But you have to put aside hurt feelings, and old wrongs, and be like okay, let's do this.

And it's exhausting.

Especially when your hormones are ALL effed up like mine are. 

So this is when I wish I had a crystal ball. So I can see how all of this stuff is gonna turn out. But you know, I don't. And no one does, damn it all to heck.

All I know is that I have (rerun coming, this is a total rerun) the best kid, family, and friends ever. And if I'm starting there, well then, I'm pretty much cooking with a bunch of effing gas, right? Right.

If you're at a crossroads and wondering which way to go and struggling with that decision or wondering if you should hold on or let go or weeding your life of people who could be replaced with people who look more like beautiful flowers than those effing weeds that get stuck in your socks or that your cat rolls around in and then you have to pick all those mothereffers off of him, just know you're not alone. I'm right there with you. And we have each other, so there's that.

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!

My new mantra, only known by two of my co-workers and now you guys, is (please imagine a drumroll):

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!!!

If you're feeling crazy you can add "mothereffers" or "beyotches" to the end.

I am not actually Chuck Norris and you guys know I'm not a Chuck Norris fan. I like the idea of Chuck Norris as a character who is a total badass with a beard that could kick your ass.

 



photo credit: cheezburger.com

 

So this is what I'm using as an empowering mantra. Because let me tell you guys. I have felt as of late that the world is bending me over and giving me a good f#$king spanking. Sorta. Kinda. So my respons to the world is:

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!!!

I know all the words to the Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, I think I have told you guys that before. Pretty sure I have only seen the show once. It was pretty awful.

I love that Chuck Norris book, The Truth About Chuck Norris:400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human. It's in my bathroom.

I am mostly soft like a marshmallow. And squishy. And full of emotions. And I cry at the drop of a hat. And, well, this is me. But I am finding it necessary to stay in Chuck mode right now because I fear if I don't, I will be in curled up in the fetal position mode. And while I believe wholeheartedly in the idea that we must feel what we feel, we must grieve when we need to grieve, we must accept and process our feelings, I also believe in faking it until you are making it as a coping skill.

I'm coping. And I still cry. And also, I'M CHUCK NORRIS!

Please, please, please use my mantra if you need it. Spread it around. Let's just Chuck it up out there.

Creepy Ginormous Spiders and Donating Blood and Organs, Which Have Nothing to Do With Each Other

So the spider that was crawling on my bedroom wall this morning looked a little bit like this guy. In the past four years I have lived where I live with an open field behind me, I have seen like 6 or 7 of these in my house. I don't know if it's a grass or wolf spider but both are to be found in Northern California. I went wolf because this one most looks like my friend this morning. 

Genus Creepus McCreepersoneris

photo credit: www.bugs.com

To emphasize, I did not know that spiders this big ever showed up in houses until 4 years ago. I'm almost 43. The first time I saw one I think I pissed myself and had a small heart attack. I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, I want to know how much good spider karma I get because I caught him using the Red Solo cup/paper plate method and set him free in my backyard. So that possibly, his bleeping furry scary ass will just crawl back into my house.

the actual Red Solo cup and Dixie paper plate used this morning

Also earlier this week I awoke with what I am pretty sure is a spider bite on the side of my face. I am going to assume there was nothing as big as this guy on my face as that will give me a large heart attack. But even though one of his brethren bit me I still saved this sucker's life.

It occurs to me right now that I killed a spider on my dining room wall last night. He was much smaller than this guy. So maybe all I've done was cancel out that karma. I am truly in Spiderville, USA. And I see spiders all the time that I just let be. So hopefully it all balances out somehow.

Well, I know how I DID earn some good karma yesterday, I donated blood! I am not sure if I have talked about this before but what a super easy way for a lazy person to contribute to the world. Go somewhere and lay down and let them stick a needle in you and take some of your spare blood. And THEN your lazy ass might just save a life! Like, for serious!!!!

I have a blood donation center about 22 minutes away from me (no, it's not 20 minutes and it's not 25, it really is like 22 minutes away with no traffic), so it's easy for me to just make an appointment (you can do it online) and show up and yesterday I discovered that practically across the street is a delicious spot for burritos so that just like, made this an even more rewarding enterprise for me. 

I did the double donation, but I can do that because I'm large. Seriously, you have to be like at least 5'5' or 5'6" if you're a woman and weigh at least 175 lbs. Super check and major check on those. So that one takes longer but I only go 3 times a year because I do that. And it makes you a little tired and junk if you do that (well, at least it makes me a little tired, which is supposed to be normal), but it's totally worth it. But obviously doing regular donation is OUTSTANDING. Like, seriously, it's so easy. The longest part is just the set-up because they have to ask you the questions and make sure your blood is fit to give and stuff because they don't want junk ass blood.

But seriously, please consider doing this. And then you get to have all the free juice and cookies you want! I mean, if you took the basket of cookies off the table and dumped it into your purse they would probably not really like that, but you know what I mean. 

Look how happy this guy is, all thumbs-upping and whatnot. Get some of that.

photo credit: www.redcross.org

Check out all the info here.

You will seriously walk out of there feeling like a badass and a hero and junk. Seriously. One time they gave me a t-shirt! But t-shirt or not, I like that I might have helped save a life. Because really, when else am I gonna get a chance to do that? Like, never.


And oooooooooo, I almost forgot to tell you, they be LOVIN' my blood because I'm half African-American, and apparently since sickle cell is often associated with black folks and there is an increased chance of blood transfusions working when the blood is genetically similar, there is always a huge need for black folks to give up some of the red. You can read about that stuff here. Also you might find out you have a blood type that is sort of rare (I do) and then that makes them even that more super excited to see you when you show up!

While we're on the topic of saving lives, here is my PSA for donating organs. DO IT. I don't know about you, but I'm not using mine when I expire. If I have not destroyed them all with fatty foods and drunken debauchery they can have them, seriously. I don't really have to explain how amazing it would be if you saved like 5 lives if you kicked the bucket, do I? I mean look, no one wants to talk about kicking the bucket.  Because it really sucks. Were it up to me, I would live forever, continuously boring you with the randomness in my head via this blog. But it ain't fixin' to go down like that so you know, let them take the stuff they can use!! 

You can learn about all about saving lives and organ donation here.

Okay. I told you guys about my spider and blood and organs. My work here is done. Back to coffee and doing a lot of nothing. I hope you all are having a great week and collecting a bunch of good karma!

All Kinds of Random A#$ S$%t Outta My Brain

This is the fear, this is the dread, these are the contents of my head (well, it's not all fear and dread, I just wanted to use the lyrics from this song):

Knowing when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, and when to run is a good thing. Yes. Everything Kenny Rogers ever taught us in The Gambler, back in the olden days before he got plastic surgery. That chorus is pure life lesson GOLD.

Also, seriously, go watch the video and see how studly Kenny was back in the day.

I'm trying to eat more slowly and pay attention to what I'm eating, thanks to my mindful eating group which is THE BUSINESS. As in, it's so good. As in, it's the s#$t.

You can't have an argument that goes like this:

Me: But it's orange!
Them: It's the number four!
Me: I'm trying to tell you, it's orange!
Them: You're crazy. That's the number four.

Because it's one of those deals where no one can hear anyone because they're stuck on four and orange. (See first thing about walking away, à la  Kenny. I don't know how to make an accent over a letter so I had to go copy and paste that because I'm lame. Shouldn't someone who calls themselves a blogger know how to do that? I think so.)

I need to be nicer. I can't go around thinking I'm a nice person and then not act like one. Even when I'm just trying to be funny. Sometimes I'm not nice and that sucks.

It's hella nice to be nice!

photo credit: books.simonandschuster.com

I need to write more. That's something I know all the time and I can't say it enough.

I'm this close to giving up The Real Housewives of Orange County because I'm not sure the fact that I like Heather, Gretchen, and Heather's husband is enough of a reason to devote forty-two minutes each week to that show. I mean, yes, I do heart O(ther)P(eople's)D(rama), but sheesh. I'm not caught up right now but that dinner party at Tamra's new gym? What a train wreck. 

I'm about to eighty-six my cable. I threaten this all the time. But seriously. Like, maybe just keep my basic cable. I don't even know about the damn DVR anymore. It's like that with me and paying that bleeping cable bill at this juncture. I think the amount of cable I currently have should only be allowed if I have a sugar daddy or a husband and neither of these gentlemen are on the horizon.

We had a lice thing at our house. The kid caught a few nits from a friend at school. It could have been SO MUCH WORSE. We seriously lucked out because she has a shit ton of hair. What I found out is that tea tree oil, when you mix a few drops in with your shampoo, can supposedly help keep those motherfuckers away, but also tea tree oil smells like something you would use to strip paint off of walls. Just saying.

This is some strong stuff that is supposedly good for a whole bunch of stuff, Google that shit.

photo credit: blondeponytail.com

Coffee is really good. It's like, so good. I would want to break stuff if I could not have it in the morning.

Maybe this is the weekend I will REALLY clean my house. I mean, it could happen. Granted, it's 10:09 a.m. and I'm still at the computer working on my second cup of coffee and after this it's TV and exercise but yes, sure, it could happen. I might get infused with a crazy insane bolt of energy that has me flying about the place actually cleaning and not just moving stuff from one spot to another. It could happen. It also might not happen.

One of my Facebook friends just posted something about body weight exercises today. I think I'm going to see if I can do a plank. Because I'm not sure I have tried except as part of a yoga routine once, sorta, maybe. Here is Brooke Burke doing some planking, and then she gets all crazy and starts flipping around and junk and I'm like come on, let's not get crazy, but thanks for the suggestion. I have some friends doing a squat challenge and I have done a whole buttload of those recently. I love squats, that's good shit right there. And you can totally bust those out at work. Like get up, take a break, do a set of 10. Repeat later. You're welcome for the advice on getting your booty nicer on the job.

photo credit: www.wonderhowto.com

I am rocking out to Offspring on Spotify right now. This is seriously one of my most favorite songs of ever. Yup, banging my head like a boss right now. That bass line is ridiculous.

I can't believe it's May. WTF happened to April? Also in my neck of the woods it has been way to hot for May so thank goodness that weather trend is on the way out the door because it was just stupid.

Still severely lacking a budget. Sigh.

Oh yes. I need to clean my fridge, too. Damn, why don't I go crazy and actually clean off the TOP of the fridge, too? Sheesh. I just might.

I love love. Just in general.

I love to sing and I've been trying to sing more and play around with this movie making program on the computer because it's fun. Stuff like that keeps me off the street.

Having the ability to not worry about stuff that has yet to happen, at least not all the time, is a gift. I am thankful to being older, wiser, and slightly medicated.

I am very thankful to the person who decided you should take berries and freeze them and sell them. This makes me hella more likely to eat fruit instead of the thing I do where I buy fruit and let it go bad. Now to work on ways to get more of it into my kid. Yes, same old story there, gotta have her eating healthier. Period.

I recently watched Superbad. I can't believe it took me so long to watch it. One of the funniest movies ever. Granted, sometimes I think I have the sense of humor of a high school boy so you know, don't go by me. But seriously. So funny. McLovin. Oh how I love him. Check this out. Also Jonah Hill is so delightfully manic in this movie. It is funny, raunchy, outrageous, and also sweet and genuine. Cannot recommend it enough.

photo credit: boomstickcomics.com

So that's my brain. It's empty now. Thanks for letting me dump it. I'll go put some more stuff in it and check you guys soon.